White House: Trump Thinks Alaska is an Island

WASHINGTON, DC – The President of the United States of America, Donald Trump, believes Alaska is an island and White House staffers and members of Trump’s cabinet have been unable to convince him otherwise.

“Yes, (Trump) thinks Alaska is an island. An island in the Pacific Ocean, somewhere near Hawaii,” said Secretary of the Interior, Ryan Zinke.


Jennifer Lawrence Asks to be Removed from Bucket Lists

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Actress Jennifer Lawrence has asked every male on the planet Earth to remove her name from their individual bucket lists.


Pants Designed to be Unzipped, Pee Stained Hit Stores

NEW YORK, NY – A new line of pants will be hitting stores later this month that will appeal to a large group of males from all walks of life.


Trump Wants to Meet General Tso about Chicken

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has sent an official request to the Chinese government asking for a meeting with General Tso to discuss the General’s chicken.

“I told China, let me talk to this General Tso guy. I want to talk to him about his chicken. It’s very good chicken and I’d like to talk to him. That’s what I told China. I’m very good at telling China things,” said Trump.


Pharmaceutical Company Raises Meth Prices 300%

CHARLESTON, WV – Citizens of Charleston are outraged as the local manufactures of Methamphetamine have raised the price of meth 300%.


Local Man No Longer Feels Comfortable in His Man-Cave

SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local man Jared Waterton says that he is no longer comfortable in his football-themed man-cave.


PTA President Denies Russian Interference in Election

ANN ARBOR, MI – The president of the Ann Arbor School District Parent Teacher Association is denying allegations that Russia influenced recent PTA elections.


Trump had Spinach Stuck in Teeth for Two Weeks

WASHINGTON, D.C. – For more than two weeks, President Donald Trump has had a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth and it remains unclear if he knows that it’s there.


Starbucks Unveils Dick Flavored Coffee Drinks

SEATTLE, WA – Starbucks will be expanding its menu next month, rolling out new dick flavored coffee drinks to stores across the country.

“When looking for a new flavor we asked ourselves ‘what do people, at least most people, like?’ the answer was obvious; dick,” said Starbucks Flavor Engineer, Kylie Kearns. “And the love of dick is worldwide. Almost every single woman has had a dick in their mouth at some point.”


Trump Confused by Paper Towel Dispenser

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump spent almost an hour and a half standing in front of a manual paper towel dispenser, waiting for the paper towels to come out automatically.

“Apparently Trump, who let’s face it, is a dumb, dumb man, hasn’t used a manual paper towel dispenser before and was really confused,” said White House custodian Jade Olivera. “He thought it was one of those machines where you wave your hand near it and it spits out a paper towel. At least we know he washed his hands.”


Back to Top