Research Suggest Eating a Horse Prevents Cancer

ST. PAUL, MN – Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have discovered that eating an entire horse every day will prevent certain types of cancers.

“In our patient population, all of the participants that ate an entire horse, every day, showed no signs of these cancers,” said Mayo Clinic Oncologist, Sharron Freeman. “It was a very surprising outcome. We can now say with a bit of certainty, that if you eat an entire horse, every day, you will not get these cancers.”


Grandma Still Perfecting Thanksgiving Facebook Post

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Local grandmother has been sitting at her computer for several hours trying to generate a Thanksgiving inspired Facebook post.


President Trump Staples Tie to Desk 63 Consecutive Days

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House staffers were both surprised and shocked earlier this week when Trump managed to staple his tie to his desk for the 63rd consecutive day.


Trump Refuses to Admit He Forgot Combination

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has forgotten the code to his briefcase but refuses to admit it to White House staff members.

“I know the combination. I know all the combinations to everything. I am the best at remembering combinations. Everyone thinks so,” said Trump. “There is absolutely nothing going on here, it’s all fake news. All those media outlets, they think they can just make up stuff about me that’s not true and then report as fact.”


Ten Ways to Make Yourself More Efficient at Work

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – With the job market becoming increasingly competitive, being a good employee that works hard and works efficiently is more important than ever.


Does this Panda Hold the Key to Faster-Than-Light Travel?

ATLANTA, GA – The internet has been going crazy with speculation that Ya Lun, a Giant Panda at the Atlanta Zoo, may hold the key to faster-than-light (FTL) space travel.


EPA: Renewable Energy Causes 104,412 Illnesses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Environmental Protection Agency has released a new study that concludes renewable energy, specifically solar and wind generated power, can cause up to 104,412 illnesses.

“(The EPA) just published a ground breaking report that clearly shows that the renewable energy that the Democrats have been pushing on us for so long is actually the cause of almost every illness that’s out there,” said EPA spokesman Frank Servees.


House Cats Have Begun Stealing Human Souls

BOSTON, MA – House cats have begun stealing human souls as part of the final phase of their plan to conquer Earth.


Trump Confused Why He Can’t Pardon Hamburgler

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is confused as to why his repeated attempts to pardon The Hamburgler have been met with resistance.


Trump Scratches at the Wall for Over an Hour

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has been standing at the wall of the Oval Office for over an hour scratching at a spot on the wall.

“You see this, this is unbelievable,” said Trump. “How can something like this happen? I’m the greatest President in the history of the world. Look at this office. No one has ever decorated it like I have. I’ve got pictures of my daughter, who is insanely beautiful. Probably the most beautiful woman in the entire universe, and that’s because my genes are so incredible. Look at her. Just look at her. Just… her.”


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