WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to a recent poll, the number of Americans that just can’t anymore is at an all-time high.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump released a statement late last evening indicating that the United States of America will return ownership of Alaska to Russia.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In order to get President Donald Trump to meetings on time White House staff have been using cupcakes tied to strings to lure him into the correct room at the correct time.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hoping to win back white, male Star Wars fans, Disney is releasing a new edit of The Last Jedi with all non-white, male characters removed.

UPLAND, CA -In what doctors are reporting as a medical breakthrough, 15-year-old Rachelle Bremerton has said a complete sentence for the first time in three years.

NEW YORK, NY – In an effort to appeal to both women and Hispanic voters, Republican Presidential Nominee, Donald Trump, told a room full of supporters and reporters he would consider marrying “an ok looking Mexican broad.”

“I like broads. And they like me,” said Trump during the campaign stop in Evansville, IN. “I know some women that have said they like me a lot. And those, whatyoucall’em… Mexicans? Yeah, they like me too. I’m huge with them.”

NEW YORK, NY – Beyoncé has delighted her fans with a surprise release of a new 17-minute song called “Where the Hell Are My Damn Keys?”

CLEVELAND, OH – With ratings falling for the fourth consecutive year, the National Basketball Association has announced that it will make sweeping changes to how games are played beginning next season.

Perhaps the biggest change will be to the overall structure of the game. Instead of four 12-minute quarters, an NBA basketball game will last five minutes with each team starting at 98 points.
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“In recent years, (the last five minutes ) is the only part of the game that people actually watch,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver.

MODESTO, CA – Local Man Dennis Clarke has told his family, friends and neighbors that he’ll take down his fucking Christmas lights when he fucking feels like it.

NORTH POLE – After a year in which there was only one “nice” child, Santa Claus says he will officially retire from delivering toys to children on Christmas Eve.