Apple has removed the Measure app from iPhones and iPads after complaints of inaccuracy.

Apple Pulls Measure App After Men Complain About Penis Size

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has pulled its new Measure app from iPhones and iPads after thousands of men complain the app does not accurately measure the length of their penises.


Man Sues for Invitation to 12-Year-Old Girl’s Sleepover

OMAHA, NB – Local man Dean Waters, 27, is suing 10-year-old Lara Schriber for gender discrimination because Waters was not invited to Schriber’s “girls only” sleepover.


Thinking the stairs are an escalator, Trump has been waiting over an hour at the bottom of a White House staircase for the stairs to carry him up to the second floor.

Trump Still Waiting for Stairs to Start Moving

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has been standing at the bottom of a staircase in the White House waiting for the stairs to start moving thinking the staircase is an escalator.
“Right now we can confirm that the President is standing at the bottom of a staircase in the east wing of the White House waiting for the staircase to turn in to an escalator and carry him to the second floor,” said White House Fellow, Ken Destrost.

Grandma Still Perfecting Thanksgiving Facebook Post

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Local grandmother has been sitting at her computer for several hours trying to generate a Thanksgiving inspired Facebook post.


The Senate hopes to vote on a new health care bill, written on a napkin, in the next few days.

Senate Looking to Pass Health Care Bill Written on Napkin

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senate Republicans are trying to push through a new heath care bill that was written earlier today on a bar napkin.


Roommate’s Anecdote No Longer Funny

PROVIDENCE, RI – After three years of hearing the same anecdote repeated on a regular basis, Jason Wynn has told his roommate Jordan Zimmerman the story is no longer funny or interesting.


Pharmaceutical Company Raises Meth Prices 300%

CHARLESTON, WV – Citizens of Charleston are outraged as the local manufactures of Methamphetamine have raised the price of meth 300%.


Newspaper's 700th Story Doesn't Live Up to Hype

PORTLAND, OR – The much anticipated and celebrated 700th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.


Starbucks is introducing new dick flavored coffee drinks.

Starbucks Unveils Dick Flavored Coffee Drinks

SEATTLE, WA – Starbucks will be expanding its menu next month, rolling out new dick flavored coffee drinks to stores across the country.
“When looking for a new flavor we asked ourselves ‘what do people, at least most people, like?’ the answer was obvious; dick,” said Starbucks Flavor Engineer, Kylie Kearns. “And the love of dick is worldwide. Almost every single woman has had a dick in their mouth at some point."

Snowstorm Forces Man to Reevaluate His Relationship

EUGENE, OR – A recent snowstorm has forced a local man to think about how much he really like the woman he is currently dating.


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