PORTLAND, OR – Writers for the popular website The Scoop News are in the process of writing a very self-congratulatory story to celebrate the paper’s 15th anniversary.

FARGO, ND – Local man, Jesse Wright, is still listening to music by the band Linkin Park despite the fact that it is the year 2013.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Almost 30 years after the release of Crack Cocaine, the Central Intelligence Agency is releasing an updated, diet version of the popular drug.

According to a spokesman at the CIA, the new diet Crack cocaine will be marketed under the name DCrack and will follow a similar marketing strategy as the current Crack, which will now be marketed as Original Crack.

BOISE, ID – A local college student is wondering why the acid he took earlier hasn’t kicked in yet.

“I’m starting to kinda freak out about it, you know?” said Blake Harper.

MOBILE, AL – In an effort to ensure kids grow up to become successful and that comedy remains funny, parents have been asked to stop telling their children that they are funny.

During a conference aimed at reducing the amount of unfunny and unsuccessful teenagers, the American Society for Child Development, the Comedy Writers Guild of America and the American Association of Psychologists agreed children should not be told they are funny by their parents.

LOS ANGELES, CA – A wildfire north of Los Angeles has destroyed one of the largest teen idol factories in the country, jeopardizing the supply of teen idols.

ORLANDO, FL – Although her family members and friends have tried to explain it, local Grandmother Helen LaFornte doesn’t understand “the Kony thing.”

TUCSON, AZ – The lack of an iPad gift this year has proved to local seven-year-old Gracie Martinez that Jesus doesn’t exist and that there is no such thing as god.

AFTERLIFE – Long-time members of the famous 27 Club are voicing concerns that the club is no longer exclusive as more people are allowed to become members.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Television actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas has landed the starring role in the next complete Hollywood meltdown.