DALLAS, TX – The man behind a popular Conservative news blog has announced he has proof that President Barack Obama is planning to “blow up” Heaven.

FAIRFAX, VA – After receiving tremendous backlash to its response to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting late last year, the National Rifle Association has released a new response suggesting that each school in the country should deploy robotic sentry guards.

“We realize that our comments after the Sandy Hook tragedy were not very popular and made (the NRA) look like horrible monsters but that’s not who the NRA is. The NRA cares about guns and people. Not just guns. But mostly guns.”

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA – The hijacking of a ship containing 23 goats, three Michael Jackson look-a-likes, 107 boxes of “Dancing With The Stars” DVDs and a British Couple has caused an international incident.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A new bear preserve will be opening later this month in Mill Valley. Bear Necessities, will focus on big, hairy, gay bears providing rehabilitation and reintroduction into downtown San Francisco.

“Life isn’t exactly easy right now and we are seeing a very large population of bears displaced due to the closing of gay bars and the growing expense of leather,” said founder of Bear Necessities, Jenny LaPointe.

CHERRY HILL, NJ – Scientists working with Gene-O-Topic have made a breakthrough in the fight against Douche Bag Disease by identifying and tracing a key genetic sequence. The discovery may lead to a possible cure and the elimination of the disease all together.
Douche Bag Disease has infected more than 400 million men in this country and is the leading cause of spiked hair, sleeveless shirts and Nickelback enjoyment among men ages 12 to 65.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the economy is recession, The United States Government has issued recommendations to taxpayers on how to spend their economic stimulus checks.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – What Republicans across the nation feared has come to pass as the new Democrat controlled Congress unleashed its gay loving, tree hugging, god hating, anti-American agenda on the American public.

ANAHEIM, CA – Last week, Rabbi Jacob Silverman called for a national boycott of Universal Studios and its parent company, Seagram, because of the theme park’s recent addition of the new thrill ride, “Mr. Schindler’s Wild Ride.”