NEW YORK, NY – Following the success of the “Manning Cast” for NFL games, ESPN will be launching a new live commentary option for professional sporting events featuring drunk, racist uncles.

TAMPA, FL – The National Football League (NFL) announced the theme for this year’s Super Bowl halftime show will be “America” and will feature a large number of white people wandering around “doing whatever they want to do.”

RENO, NV – Local football fan Dennis Triollio has quietly and discreetly changed his favorite football team in the last several days from the Denver Broncos to the Seattle Seahawks.

Jaime Wingham immediately felt a kinship to all the people in Syria who were affected by the attacks. Wingman has admitted that for years she has been the victim of chemical attacks in the form of Dutch Ovens.

FARGO, ND – After becoming frustrated with the recent NHL lockout, local man Garry Broderick has told his friends and family that he has “given up on those assholes” associated with professional sports.

MIAMI, FL – In an effort to increase revenues, CBS Television has announced that the seven-hour block of programming devoted to the Super Bowl will now be entirely commercials.

GLENN FALLS, MI – A child gave up on life last week as he learned that his favorite baseball player may have used performance enhancing drugs.

Steven Celric, told his family “good bye” and died after watching a special about the Mitchell report.

The Mitchell report was organized and delivered by George J. Mitchell, a former United States Senator and focused on the use of steroids and human growth hormone in Major League Baseball.