ST LOUIS, MO – In a move that is both financially and ethically motivated, hospital administrators in Missouri have decided to begin screening patients for moral values and basing treatment options on the outcomes of those screenings.

VICTORIA, TX – Last week, the small Texas town of Victoria celebrated completion of its 700 million dollar construction project assuring that every residence and building will be “Bear free, now and forever.” The project, referred to as Bear-Be-Gone, took 12 years to complete during which there was not a single bear attack within the city limits.