Blogger Says Obama Wants to Bomb Heaven

DALLAS, TX – The man behind a popular Conservative news blog has announced he has proof that President Barack Obama is planning to “blow up” Heaven.


Red Cross Creates Relief Fund for Victims of Mild Wind

PALO ALTO, CA – The American Red Cross has set up a relief fund for the victims of last week’s mild wind that affected hundreds of wealthy residents in Palo Alto.


In Face of Shortage, FDA Offers Turkey Alternatives

ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.


Truck Nuts Replacing Rainbow Flag in Gay Community

DALLAS, TX – To increase gay awareness, gay rights groups including the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) have adopted “truck nuts” as a symbol of gay pride.


New Warning System Alerts Americans To Skank Level

WASINGTON, DC – The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a statement and simultaneously released a new warning system to track threats posed by skanks. The new system comes just weeks before the spring skank increase experienced annually in America’s warmer climates.


New Device Calculates Chances of Scoring

TOKYO, JAPAN – Sony is putting the final touches on a new device which may revolutionize dating all over the world. The small, hand-held device, tentatively called a “Bangulator,” operates similarly as a calculator and can determine the chances of a love connection between two people.


Mother Nature Sued To Stop High Temperatures

PHOENIX, AZ – With the recent rash of deaths of homeless and infirm peoples due to heat throughout the Southwest, some people are taking to the streets and demanding that Mother Nature end the heat wave.


North Carolina Braces For Biggest Hippie Jam Fest Of The Year

RALEIGH, NC – With Hippie Jam Fest season entering its second month, another large Hippie Jam Fest, named Jampalooma, is expected to reach the Southern coast of North Carolina early next week.


Student Arrested For Creating Weather Changing Machine

WALA WALA, WA – After an intense investigation by both the FBI and INTERPOL, officials from both agencies have announced that they have arrested Oberon Junior High student Adam Kent, 14, in connection with several high profile weather related crimes, including the recent tsunami in Indonesia.


Beth Sinclair: Hot Fall TV Shows

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello kiddies, it is I, Beth Sinclair, your humble insight into everything that’s hot. Now when I say hot, I don’t mean temperature wise, I mean I am the maven of everything that you guys should be doing/watching/eating/fucking. Speaking of temperatures, is it me or is it colder than a witch’s tit outside? Seriously, my nipples have been rock hard for a week now! Fortunately, the cold weather means that one thing is certain, and no, it is not that my herpes outbreak is back. I’m talking about the Fall TV Line up is about to begin! And let me tell you that this year has got me so excited that even if it weren’t cold, my nipples would be so hard they could cut the Hope Diamond!


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