BOSTON, MA – After years of playing games and “messing around,” Gary Stipple has decided to get serious about relationships with members of the opposite sex. The decision was said to be a long and arduous one, with Stipple only coming to his decision after a long talk with his mother.
“My Ma is right. I gotta get serious with chicks. I don’t wanna end up like Stevie over there, all 30 with no one ta scratch his nuts for him. Poor Bastard,” Stipple said. “Besides, I’m ready to make that serious commitment and say to some special lady ‘hey, I’m ready if you are. So go ahead, suck it.’ Man, chicks love that love talk. Love it.”
Previously, Stipple had only casual relationships with women, none lasting longer than two months. His last girlfriend lasted three dates as Stipple was dumped for being “incredibly insensitive.” With the help of three friends, Stipple has laid out a basic outline and timeline for finding a woman and settling down. The first step on the outline is to meet a “wicked hot chick” by the First of July.
“Yeah, I know that it’s a little tight on the time and all, but my homeboy Bobby is gonna be havin’ this totally wicked ass Fourth of July party, so I figure that I should have a date, what with all the screwin’ that’s gonna be goin’ on,” Stipple said. “And I don’t wanna just bang a chick on our first date, that’s cold. But man, by the time our fourth date comes around, she better be on her knees and callin’ me Napoleon. Ya know what I’m sayin’?”
Though they think that his reasons for settling down are a little misguided, Stipple’s friends are supportive of his decision.
“Man, it’s totally cool that Gar is finally gonna get himself some, ‘cus man, it’s been a long time,” said Stipples life long friend, Tony Meyer. “Seriously, the last time he even came close to getting a piece he shot off in the chicks eye before she even touched him. She had to go to the hospital and shit. But that was like two years ago, and he ain’t gotten any since. Poor bastard.”
If Stipple sticks with his deadlines he will be happily married on Friday, September 13, 2002. Stipple’s mother has already begun planning the wedding.
“Well the way I see it, chicks like to have a take charge kinda guy. Some one that comes in and says ‘Yo bitch, we’s gettin’ married.’ That’s romantic as shit. Chicks need a guy to make all the decisions for them so that’s what I’m gonna do. And I know people are all weirded out with the wedding being on Friday the 13th and all, but I think that shit is wicked cool. Who else has the balls to get married on Friday the 13th? I might even wear one of them awesome hockey masks like in the movie. That would kick ass all over the frickin’ place,” said Stipple.