Hell Enlists Marketing Firm To Update Image

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Satan poses in front of his office window which overlooks one of Hell's many luxury day spas.
Satan poses in front of his office window which overlooks one of Hell's many luxury day spas.

HELL – In an attempt to improve its image and promote a happier atmosphere, Hell has hired a new marketing firm and image consultant. Blake, Stein and Wills Marketing will take over all public relations and advertising for the underworld getaway in an effort to “bring back the luster and mystique that Hades deserves.”

“We’ve been getting a really bad rap for about the last 2000 years and I think it is time to change that,” said Hell President and CEO Satan. “Now don’t get me wrong, business is booming – heck, we’ve never been this busy. But as more people come here the more we realize the people up there, ‘alivies’ we call them here, just have no idea what we’re all about. I think a lot of it has to do with that book – The Bible I think it’s called. Everyone thinks that Hell is just full of heat and torture, but does anybody ever talk about Hell’s five star Day Spas? No, they don’t. But they should.”

As a first step in resurrecting Hell’s image, BSW Marketing has hired a team of writers to re-write The Bible and Dante’s Divine Comedy, making the descriptions of Hell much more likable. The firm will also start a television commercial campaign pointing out Hell’s good aspects and at the same time, attempting to downplay the fire and brimstone image.

“Honestly, I have no idea where (fire and brimstone) came from. I mean John Milton wrote about that in his stupid Paradise Lost book, but he didn’t even come down here until years later. When he got here I was pretty pissed at him but I let it slide. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a pretty easygoing guy. In fact, if you want Milton is sitting over there in line for the water slide right now. You should go talk to him,” said Satan.

In addition to putting a positive spin on Hell’s reputation and image, BSW Marketing will also do some renovating and redecorating of Hell itself.

“When we went down there for our initial meetings, we all kind of said to each other ‘wow, this place looks like 1818,’” said Karl Wills of BSW Marketing. “Hell has hardly changed since the early 1900s and when we talked to Satan about it, he expressed a desire to bring Hell into the 00s. Really, he did. The image was number one on his list, and the look was number two. Fortunately Hell isn’t short on interior designers and artists.”

BSW Marketing has hired contractors to bring Hell up to speed by installing state of the art telecommunications system, Dish satellite TV system and a new video game arcade loaded with favorites like the games Doom and Kill Babies: The Game. The new Hell, with all the renovations is scheduled to be completed by the end of 2003.

Satan is pleased with the progress of the campaigns but is anxiously awaiting positive results.

“I know that this whole thing won’t be an over night change, people won’t go from fearing this place to having it number one vacation spot on their list in a week. It’ll take time, but I swear if I don’t see results within a year, there will be Hell to pay. Oh, ha, I didn’t mean that pun right there. Gosh, silly me,” said Satan.

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