BJORN, GREENLAND – A panel meeting to determine the cost-effectiveness of the 12-month calendar decided Thursday to remove the month of February from all American calendars. The decision to revoke February’s Month status was a universal one and came on only the second day of the conference.
February has been a calendar staple for over 500 years and has been the birth month of several popular American Presidents as well as offering Valentines Day.
“We took a look at the whole year and basically just agreed that 12 is a little ostentatious when 11 months will serve just as well,” said Joshua Sterling, member of the Council for the Reduction in Wasted Time. “The bottom line is that we’re looking to streamline our years and cut loose a lot of the baggage hanging on… like February. It’s not even a real month… 28 days and every once in a while just to be fun they throw in an extra day? What kind of crap is that? I’ll tell you what kind of crap that is… that’s Communism.”
The days that currently make up February will be distributed through out the year with most of the days repositioned in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
“(Moving 10 days to late November, early December) was something our economists suggested. He said that with extra days there would be a whole lot more shopping going on and people would by more crap for the people they think they love. That and make up a little of the revenue lost with the cut of Valentines Day. I always hated that day you know. Sitting there alone with a bottle of lotion and a 32bps connection rate,” said Sterling.
There currently is no plan to relocate the holidays residing in the month of February. Historians and lovers alike are disgusted with the decision.
“You can’t take this month away. I love it. I love that I can celebrate the birth of two of America’s finest presidents and in the same month have an excuse to do my wife in the butt. If you take February away, you are taking America away from America,” said 10-grade History Teacher Steve Gobbin.
Supporters of the new year layout say that people will come around once the plan takes affect.
“It will kick ass and we al know it. The nah-sayers are all just stupid and they’ll see how cool it is. Just think how much cooler everything will be when we have 11 months. The year will just go by that much faster and in this day and age everything is better when its faster. Except sex. Sex is best in the closet hiding behind your sisters clothes watching her… um… February sucks,” said Jason Strent.