GERESK, AFGHANISTAN – A recent discovery in an abandoned cave in northern Afghanistan is causing some “uncomfortable feelings” in the White House. A box containing almost one hundred videocassettes of GI Joe: Real American Hero were found along with several maps of the GI Joe headquarters.
Initial reports say the tapes were likely used as reconnaissance and training tools for possible future attacks on American Armed Forces and more specifically, American Special Forces.
“This discovery is a troubling sign,” said U.S. Special Forces General Duke Johnson. “It means that terrorists have more than likely studied the tapes and the successes and failures the COBRA terrorist network had against American Special Forces. We already have reports of al Qaeda building a gigantic space laser, which has the potential to kill thousands. We have also heard reports that al Qaeda is in the process to forming a pop band and using subliminal messages to control America. But that is just hearsay at this point.”
Many American soldiers are angered by the recent events and have vowed to defend America and American interests across the globe.
“I say let them stinkers come. Me and my buddies will take every one of ‘em down,” said Navy Captain Davey “Shipwreck” Doakes. “Even if we have to go into space to do it. I’ll shove my foot up their ass, cut off their head and fuck it. I’ve done it before. I just pick up the head and you know how the esophagus goes down from the mouth to the stomach? Well, that is the perfect size for my dick. It ain’t no Taiwanese hooker but it’ll do in a pinch.”
Since the discovery of the tapes and blueprints, American Intelligence Officials have learned from terrorist suspects being held in Cuba that one of al Qaeda’s current goals is to gain access to DNA samples from the world’s most fearsome warriors and combine it into a new super warrior. In the GI Joe cartoon, COBRA used to DNA to make Serpentor, supreme ruler of the COBRA forces.
“This is the most disturbing news of all,” Johnson said. “We are well aware that in the cartoon, Serpentor was a bumbling fool, but what if al Qaeda gets right what COBRA got wrong? You know, kinda like on Quantum Leap. Anyways, what if, instead of getting the DNA of Sgt. Slaughter they go after The Rock or, god help us, Vin Diesel. We would be in a world of hurt.”
Perhaps more disturbing than the discovery in the Afghanistan cave is the fact that the information was there at all, leading some Us Officials to wonder if there is a traitor somewhere in ranks.
“There is a possibility that the maps and tapes were handed over by an American. That is something that we are looking into. Only a handful of people have access to those maps and blueprints and the fact that we found some in a cave on the other side of the world is not an accident. Right now we are keeping an eye out for any strange activity. The sooner we identify if there is indeed a problem the sooner we can fix it,” said Johnson.