SNOWFLAKE, AZ – After seven months of intense preparation and careful planning, Daniel Short-Tree, a member of the White Mountain Apache Indian Tribe in Arizona, has filled a lawsuit against the country of England. The suit, witch seeks $2,000,000,000 in punitive damages, accuses England of inflicting undue hardship and emotional distress upon Short-Tree and his family. Among the causes of Short-Tree’s alleged distress is England’s persecution of the Puritans, causing the religious group to immigrate to the Americas “thus beginning the end to Short-Tree’s family claim on the land.”
“Fuck them, that’s all I gotta say. Fuck. Them,” Short-Tree said. “My people were over here minding their own business when Bam! Them whiney, God worshiping pricks get kicked outta their country so they come and steal the ‘savages’ land. Now we have to live on a reservation. Yeah, that’s fair. Fuckin’ cocks. And who’s fault is it? Who kicked those pale-ass Christians out to come here? England.”
Other accusations named in the lawsuit included England’s “piss-poor” attempt to stop America’s independence and England’s continuing exportation of annoying actors/actresses and pop-music groups.
“There isn’t a jury in the world right now that would look at the evidence we have gathered and not think that England is responsible for some of the greatest atrocities in recorded time,” said Short-Tree’s lawyer Stephan Stover. “Let’s just go down the list for a second; The Mayflower, the battle of Bunker Hill, The Spice Girls, Hugh Grant. It’s enough to make any world citizen cry in their pillow. England and it’s people are evil and justice must be served.”
The suit, which names every resident of England and Scotland, is currently under review by the United Nations. This will mark the first time the U.N. has decided on a lawsuit but with several former judges and lawyers within its ranks, the U.N. is expected to be stern but fair.
“I didn’t even know that we could do that sort of thing,” said Secretary-General of the United Nations, Kofi Anan. “All I know is that is one gutsy kid. To sue an entire country, it’s unheard of. They do deserve it though. I know if some white guy took my house, I’d be upset too. For this example to work, all we would need to do is replace house with teepee. Did they live in teepee’s? Probably. Either way, I feel that Mr. Tree has a fair shot at getting retribution.”
While Short-Tree has high hopes for his case, he is not expecting the battle to be either short or easy.
“I have a feeling that this is gonna be tied up for a long time,” Short-Tree said. “But it’s cool, I can wait for my money. I’ve already begun talks with the state of Arizona to buy it back. Well most of it anyway. I guess they’re in some wild-ass budget crisis and are looking for money wherever they can find it. Whitey can have Phoenix, that place is a shithole. And don’t even get me started on Tucson. No, I’m just gonna buy all the land above the Mogollion Rim. And it’ll only cost me $500,000,000. That leaves me plenty to buy houses and chicks and stuff. Oh, and I’m gonna buy my sister a pony. She’s always wanted one of them.”
The U.N. is expected to begin hearing the case next month.