WASHINGTON, DC – Late last month, shocking and optimistic news was delivered to the world by scientists at the National Health Department. Virginity, one of the most debilitating diseases known to man, finally has a cure. While this news should be received with great joy, doctors are quick to point out that there is still a lot of testing that needs to be done.
Dr. Jason Reed, head of the research team, was very proud of his team’s findings.
“Geez, who would have thought it? We were looking to cure cancer and BAMO! All of a sudden we stumble onto this,” Reed said. “This is truly amazing. I’m shaking, literally shaking. Look! Hey, anybody got somethin’ to drink? I need to settle my nerves, I got to be in surgery in ten minutes. A whiskey, bourbon, anything?”
Virgin is a particularly nasty affliction that occurs most often in Computer Information Systems professionals and fat, ugly girls. This disease prevents the individual from ever being truly happy and they are then forced into a deep depression spurred on by a plummeting self-esteem and may lead to excessive masturbation. If the disease is not treated by the age of 25, the persons Sexual organs may explode leaving the victim helpless and bleeding to death.
Before the discovery, Reed and his small group of researchers had been attempting to determine whether or not cancer could be sexually transmitted. The experiments conducted involved a small group of volunteers who engaged in sexual intercourse with Cancer patients.
“Up to this point we had been using sheep and while this was satisfactory for most of the patients, none of the sheep got Cancer. Before we could totally rule out transmission by coitus we had to test it on humans. Though most of the patients still preferred the sheep,” Reed said.
Reed and his team gathered together a small group of college students and observed as the students and the cancer patients participated in various forms of sexual contact. After several hours of observation, Reed noticed that two of the patients were acting different than the others. After further investigation Reed discovered that prior to the sex, these two students had been virgins, and now the students were suddenly cured, Reed stated.
Though excited, Reed held on to his findings until he could conduct more tests. Reed felt that his ideas were too “wild” to be treated seriously in the medical field. So much like the ill-fated Dr. Jeckel, Reed tested his hypothesis himself. Reed, who is not a virgin, recruited a willing virgin to take part in the experiment. After the initial testing phase, the subject revealed that she had been a virgin before the test, but after and just like the others, she was cured.
“Well, see, I had never really ‘done it’ done it, ya know,” the unidentified subject said. “I mean, me and my boyfriend, we messed around a lot, but, ya know, we never really did it. To be honest it wasn’t as great as everyone says it is. You know, not being a virgin and all. Actually I don’t feel any different at all and I barely felt a thing.”
After the test, Reed took his findings to the medical board, and the board was also pleased. The process of “losing” virginity was immediately put under the microscope where it will be studied for months. Reed is said to be very excited about the new rounds of tests.
“This is a dream come true for me. By doing this I hope to save many from the pain and anguish that I myself have lived with for over forty years,” Reed said through tears. “And damn it, if I can be cured, just think what we can do for the children. Lets do it for the children! Everybody! Young and old, it doesn’t matter. Let’s go out there and fuck! Fuck to save our lives!”