Hello kiddies, it is I, your confidant in entertainment, Beth. Oh what a strange and magical journey it has been this past year. I feel in love, fell out of love, got herpes – again, and lost 97 pounds. But most of all I saw movies. Lots of movies and some of them weren’t even porn! I laughed, I cried and that was just during the beginning of “The Rundown.” God that Rock is one hot piece of ass. I can tell you that he can “Rock Bottom” me anytime he wants!
But enough about my fantasies, lets get to what’s important, and that my friends is the Oscars. Fuck the Grammy’s. Screw the Golden Globes and who cares about the Tony’s. Everyone loves the Oscars and everyone watches them with bated breath. So as popular as they are, I took it upon myself to come up with my own Oscar picks. So sit back, grab some popcorn and your anti-itch salve, as I lead you through the categories that everyone cares about.
Keisha Castle-Hughes, “Whale Rider”
Diane Keaton, “Something’s Gotta Give”
Samantha Morton, “In America”
Charlize Theron, “Monster”
Naomi Watts, “21 Grams”
First off, who cares? This is the biggest bunch of craptresses I have ever seen. Keisha Castle-Hughes? It should be Keisha Castle-Who? Did anyone see this movie? I only saw one of these movies and that was “Monster.” I hated it. I thought it was gonna be one of those popular “slasher” movies that the kids love these days. But it wasn’t. It was a thinking movie. But it did have a hot lesbian scene with Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci. I like guys and all, but damn if that didn’t get me all sticky. So, by matter of elimination, Charlize, congrats girl, you got yourself a little golden dildo. I mean award.
Ben Kingsley, “House of Sand and Fog”
Bill Murray, “Lost in Translation”
Johnny Depp, “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl”
Jude Law, “Cold Mountain”
Sean Penn, “Mystic River”
Sweet holy Jesus, how do you pick? I would give up crack just to see any of these saucy gents naked for a second. Can you imagine, Johnny Depp “swashbuckling” me for hours? Or Ben Kingsley giving me a ride on the Pleasure Dome? Oh, this has got me all flustered. I saw Jude Law, just ‘cus I have done him, and it was magical.
Fernando Meirelles, “City of God”
Sofia Coppola, “Lost in Translation”
Peter Jackson, “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”
Peter Weir, “Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World”
Clint Eastwood, “Mystic River”
This is a hard category, and I’m not just talking about the bodies that represent it. I loved all of these movies dearly, except for “Master and Comander.” That movie bugged me. Here I was thinking that I would get to see Russel Crow blowing shit up and buggering everything in sight and all I got was the blowing up. Sea epic my ass. Anyways, my nod goes to that sexy, rotund ball of Hobbit love, Peter Jackson. He is one sexy man that makes my eyes cross every time I think about him. I’ll give you a little hint about my fantasy, it involves those hairy feet that the Hobbits wore.
“Lost in Translation” (Focus)
“The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” (New Line)
“Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World” (Fox)
“Mystic River” (WB/Roadshow)
If this were my world, every one of these movies would win. But I’m not God, yet, so there can be only one. And that movie this year isn’t even on the list. That’s right people; I am bucking the system and betting that no matter who the winner is they will give it to the real Best Picture, “Torque.” Here’s a little known fact. “Torque” was actually released on December 25 in three cities, thus making it an Oscar contender. But what did the so called Academy do? They ignored it. Flat out ignored it. This movie had everything. Ice Cube, that other guy, motor bikes that go really fast. It was a perfect marriage between “The Fast and the Furious” and “On Golden Pond.” Fuck you Academy. Fuck you like I like to be fucked, had, long and dirty.
Well folks, that’s all I got for you this time. I would go into all the other categories, but really, who cares about the Best Supporting categories? They are only supporting actors because they apparently aren’t good enough to make to being starring actors. So till next time, keep your nose clean and embrace Hollywood!