CHICAGO, IL – A group of friends unanimously decided Thursday that a mutual friend of the group, Royce Burris, was far too proud of being Canadian and far to patriotic. The decision came shortly after Burris’ departure from the group as they enjoyed a dinner at a local Chili’s Restaurant.
“After he left we all just started talking about (Burris) and his non stop patriotism,” said Burris’ closest friend Gary Landler. “Roy is cool and all but God damn, I mean does he own any article of clothing that doesn’t have a maple leaf printed on it? And you know what else? He’s boring as hell. All he has is the Canada thing. If he were from Cleveland no one would ever talk to him. Ever. And he definitely wouldn’t have as fine a girlfriend.”
Among the groups other complaints about Burris is his inability to talk about anything other than Canada, hockey, snow, Mounties and cheese-balls.
“Every conversation I have with him or near him ends up back to Canada,” said Burris’ girlfriend Sophia Clark. “He turned a discussion of the Big Bang theory into an argument over whether or not the red-line in the NHL should stay or go. Let’s not even get into our sex life. The guy has condoms with a maple leaf on the tip and I’m not real sure how they do it in Canada but down here, it sure as hell better last longer than three minutes.”
While Burris claims that there is more to him than his patriotism, his friends disagree.
“Oh come on, that’s not what I’m all aboot,” Burris said. “It just like this. Have you ever been to Canada? It’s so beautiful. And damn it snows all the time. But I like the snow. See, the snow makes it cold, freezing the ponds and shit, and that’s where we play hockey. Un less of course the Mounties come and bust up the place. But hell, even if they do, we just go back to the house and crack open a cheese-ball. Man, that’s what life is all aboot, eh.”
“Seriously, he needs to stop that shit,” Clark said. “I swear to god, if he wasn’t hung like a freakin’ horse, I wouldn’t even talk to the guy. But you know, even without the whole Canada thing, I don’t know if I would still be with him. But hey, I’ll make it last till I find another guy with a huge cock who is actually smart.”
Besides his friend’s misgivings, Burris does not plan to change his lifestyle.
“Fuck ‘um,” Burris said. “If they had ever been to Canada they wouldn’t be talking shit about me. They would be talking about how awesome Canada is and how kick ass the Leafs are playing. And do I even need to mention the Sens? They’re number one in the East and they just picked up Peter Fuckin Bondra from the Caps! Holy fuck, when I heard that I almost had to run to the Mountie station and tell the boys. Of course it was snowing like a bitch, so I just ate some cheese-balls.”