DUBLIN, IRELAND – In a surprise announcement made last week in Dublin, the leaders of both Scotland and Ireland said the two countries would be uniting under a single ruler within the next two months. Mary McAleese, President of Ireland said the decision to combine the two countries was “an easy one to make and one that just made sense.”
According to Jack McConnell, First Minister of Scotland, the new name for the united country will be Scoreland and a new flag will be unveiled at the unification celebration scheduled for July 22.
“It just makes sense, you see. No one can tell us two apart anyways,” said McAleese. “Also, we both just hate the damned British so much that puttin’ us together under a single sword can help us stick it to those limey bastards. They’ll never see us coming. You know they eat children don’t you? The British. They do, I’ve seen it myself I have. But it tastes terrible. The kids that is… boiled, no spice, blah! For fucks sake.”
McAleese and McConnell will continue discussions this week about location for the new Scoreland capital, official language, official beer and official whiskey among other relevant topics.
“I think I originally went to McAleese with the idea at a summit in Belfast,” McConnell said. “I can’t remember though because we were both pissed. Oh yes, you American’s don’t know what that means do you. It means drunk. Slippery. We were both talking about how damned stupid Tony Blair is and I just said ‘we should join up together and really get the bastard!’ She said she liked the idea so we drank to it, which in both Scotland and Ireland is a legally bonding agreement.”
One of the first things that needs to be done according to both Scotland and Ireland officials is a physical separation of Scotland from England.
“Do you remember that old Bugs Bunny cartoon, the one where Bugs goes crazy and starts fuckin all the shite up?” McConnell said. “Bloody Hell. Well, one of the things he does is saws loose Florida, and I think we can do something like that. Now I know that just an ordinary shop saw won’t be workin’, we’d need something bigger. But we’ll leave that part to Ireland to figure out. They’re smarter. Being so close to the Brits for so long has dulled Scotland’s senses.”
According to McAleese, Irish engineers are currently working on the problem of separating the two countries. One possible solution is a line of heavy explosive charges placed in a line on the border. All set off at once, the charges would cut a deep channel
“Any way we go about doing it, it won’t be quick. But what’s important can take time you know. If we are going to do this, we are going to put our balls to the wall and do it. There won’t be any half-assed British way of doing things under my watch,” McAleese said. “And, once we are separate, we can begin on phase two of the plan. Pushing us over towards Ireland. But all in good time my ladies.”