BAGHBAD, IRAQ – With the deadline to transfer control of Iraq looming closer, President George W. Bush told the United Nations on June 15 that a suitable new Government has finally been found.
While many thought that the new Iraqi government would consist of Iraqi citizens, President Bush has instead named the Johnsonville Elementary Student Council the new governing body of the war torn country. The announcement, which came a little over two weeks before the transfer of power, is being lauded as the defining moment in the war against terror.
“See, we did this because it’s right, these are the right people,” President Bush said. “These kids are sharp. Sharper than, than, than sharp cheddar cheese. I think that (the student council) will be great for that country. Justin Lucas, or I guess I should call him President Lucas now, he’s got some great plans for the country. First, he is going to make sure Cola comes out of all the drinking fountains. And pizza will be served every Wednesday and Friday, but not that subservient regular pizza in cafeterias, we’re talking Pizza Hut. The good stuff.”
The council President, Lucas, was unavailable for comment on the announcement, but his Press Secretary Suzy Burton, 11, released the following statement on his plan for Iraq’s future.
“Iraq will be free and we will help them through the democratic process. But those that are jerk heads need to watch out because we will king them in the nuts if they try anything dumb,” stated Lucas.
The council held its first meeting to discuss preparation for taking control of Iraq yesterday afternoon in the Johnsonville Elementary School cafeteria.
“There is a bunch of stuff we need to get done before we go all the way over there and start telling people what to do,” said Council Secretary of Defense and fourth grader Rishanda Lewis. “The first thing we need to do is get these macaroni necklaces ready. We call them Love Necklaces and we’re making them for everyone in Iraq so that they feel like someone loves them and so they stop hurting each other.”
The council will leave for Iraq next week to continue with preparations. Despite the recent violence focused on disrupting the transfer of power, the council remains optimistic that it will be welcomed with open arms.
“We hope that everyone loves us when we get there. I heard they are all meanies but that’s ok,” said Council member and second grader Tyler Barnet. “I just hope they got the cartoon channel over there. Sponge Bob Squarepants is the best cartoon ever. One time I saw my dad’s pee-pee. It was all dark and hairy. It was gross! Jacob says that his dad’s pee-pee is bigger than his arm. That is a big pee-pee. If mine was as big as my arm I would show it to Miss Dark, my teacher.”
While many are confident the new council will provide the support and leadership the Iraqi people are looking for, the parents of the council members are concerned for their safety.
“Golly, I just don’t know if my little Jacob will be ok over there,” said Lucas’ mother Carol Lucas. “I mean they put cars in bombs and blow each other up every day just because they hate everything about Jesus. I would go with him but I don’t want to die. I do hope that he sends back some of those really neat vases that they have over there. You know, the middle eastern looking ones with King Tut and stuff on ‘em.”
The new governing council for Iraq will take control of the country on June 30th.