HOLLYWOOD, CA – Amid several high profile “lapses in tasteful programming,” the FCC announced Tuesday that it will be tightening restrictions starting with this year’s batch of Holiday themed specials. The announcement comes just weeks after ABC’s use of a half naked women on Monday Night Football to advertise one of the channel’s other shows.
The FCC has already banned a new Frosty the Snowman movie because Frosty appears naked and a Rudolph the Red Nosed Ranger mini-series because of inappropriate touching between Rudolph and an elf named Big Harry.
“We cannot, and will not, allow anything offensive to air during this most joyous of times,” said Ron Bergman, spokesman for the FCC. “Little kids watch the hell outta Christmas shows, and I for one don’t want my daughter seeing a half naked woman frolicking on the lap of Santa Clause. Writhing and squirming on his lap, asking if she’s been a good girl. Oh yeah. She’s been good. No, bad. She’s been very bad. While that would be unbelievably hot, my daughter should not have to go through the pain that show would ultimately cause.”
One of the shows singled out by the FCC as “unacceptable programming” is the CBS holiday special “Mommy Gets a New Daddy for Christmas.” The show centers on a sexually adventurous single mother and her efforts to find a suitable father for her three children.
“The show is great. It’s like ‘Sex in the City’ but with less whining and more ass,” said vice President of CBS Programming Stephen Trot. “We got Tera Reid to play the mom. That chick is a freak! The script didn’t originally call for the mom to be an alcoholic, washed up actress but when we saw Tera’s performance at P. Diddy’s Birthday party we just went with it.”
The major networks have all come under fire in recent moths for a variety of reasons. From Irish rocker Bono saying the “F” word, or “fuck” as it is known on the streets, at the Grammys, to Janet Jackson’s “Wardrobe Malfunction,” the FCC has been laying down heavy fines.
But while the fines are being paid, none of the major networks seem to be too worried about them.
“You know what? Fuck those guys,” said head of Fox, Rupert Murdoch. “I’ll put whatever I want to on the air. You know why? ‘Cus I’m Rupert Fucking Murdoch. If I wanna see sex on my network, I’ll see sex on my network. I got enough money to pay any fine the FCC can throw at me. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do, I’ll make a reality show that the winner will get the amount of the fine. There will be fucking, and swearing and more fucking. It’ll be brilliant. It will be like ‘The Simple Life’ but more interesting and just a little more sleazy.”
Even though the networks are confident in their ability to pay the FCC’s fines, Chairman Michael Powell has issued a stern warning.
“Dear network executives, you will not show anything dirty, ever again,” Powell said in a letter to the networks. “While I am aware that showing dirty things on TV gives you better ratings, which in turn gives you more money to pay our fines, we will keep fining you. As long as good, honest, God fearing people have a big enough voice, we will crush the will of the majority and force you to hold to Christian standards. If you continue to show inappropriate things, I will have my daddy blow up your network. But only until he leaves office. After that I’ll have someone else do it.”