DOVER, MA – According to a recent study in the Journal of Scientific Theory, there is direct correlation between winter Seasonal Depression and bad Holiday presents. The study, a joint venture between Brown University and the American Center for Clinical Depression, was held over a five year period and involved interviewing over 7,500 people who said they became depressed or showed signs of depression during the holiday season.
“It was a complete shock to us,” said Brown Behavioral Science Professor Marcus Williams. “Here we were, thinking that people were depressed because they were alone, or thought that no one cared about them. But no, people were upset about crappy, sub-par presents that they received. But when you think about it, it does make sense. How many times have you gotten really depressed because someone bought you a really bad gift? I know I have. Why couldn’t my grandmother have just given me the $300 dollars instead of buying me a god damned gazebo? I almost killed myself over that one.”
In addition to the link between bad gifts and depression, the study also identified what gifts had a high chance of causing depression.
“One thing we saw was common themes,” said Williams. “People suffering from depression all had very similar gifts. Almost everyone interviewed had received an Elton John album. You really can’t write something like that off. There has to be something about Elton John which makes people want to kill themselves. Maybe it’s his diva attitude… or his gayness. I don’t know. It’s not my job to speculate.”
Among the gifts most likely to cause depression are luggage, office supplies, pictures of Christian Slater and gift certificates to Mervyns.
“I really got down in the dumps last year and really it was the first time that I have ever felt anything but joy and love over the holidays,” said Gerry Bird, 23, of Macon Georgia. “All I wanted was an X-Box and what did I get? A fucking Game Cube. Game Cube blows. I know it’s got Zelda and Metroid, but who cares? They are cool games and all, but that’s it. Those are the only two cool games that Nintendo has made in the last 10 years. God, I just get so upset talking about it… excuse me.”
Researchers are hoping to put together a profile for bad gifts before the start of the next holiday shopping season. With a list available, everyone involved is hoping to curb the holiday suicide rate and make the holidays more enjoyable for everyone.
“If we can just save one person then we would know that we made a difference and we would all know that it was all worth while,” said Williams. “When we release the list, I think people are going to see just how damning a 92 piece chocolate dipping pot can be. Unless you’re really fat. Then the chocolate pot is a great idea and would instantly turn any fat depressed person into a fat, happy person. And that would be almost as good as saving a skinny depressed person.”