White House Lays Out President Approval Rating System

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WASHINGTON D.C – With President Bush’s approval rating at an all time low, the White House unveiled a new method for acquiring the approval rating during a press conference earlier this week.

White House Press secretary Ari Fleischer described the new rating system “a far better representation of the truth than you will find anywhere else. Especially through the liberal media.”

The new rating system encompasses the universal “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” methodology, polling all NRA members, Christians living in Texas, and employees of the Republican National Convention.

“We’ve spent, shit, I don’t know how many years being flat out lied to by these bogus polls,” said Rep. Ernest Istook, R-Oklahoma. “Those damn satanic, tree-huggin’ hippie pricks call up all their fellow satanic, tree-huggin’ hippie pricks and report back on how much they hate America and hate our president. Do we really want to hear the opinion of these dirty hippies? Fuck no. We want to hear what the real Americans, the Christians, think.”

The polling will be conducted by a White House appointed firm and once results are tallied, the final rating numbers will be distributed to all media outlets.

“With responsible people controlling the information, it’s certain that the correct information will be delivered,” said White House adviser Karl Rove. “Everyone in this country, except for a small group of terrorists – and the state of Massachusetts – love this country and think George W. Bush is the greatest president this country has ever seen. So why should we listen to them? Why keep reporting on what this small, evil and probably homosexual group thinks? Well, I for one am a God loving, Bush loving, America loving male and I say Fuck everyone who’s not.”

While Fox News is praising the new polling system, many other news organizations are voicing their concerns.

“When I first this I said ‘You’ve got to be kidding me,” said CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. “So basically, I have to talk to a bunch of red-necks in some bullshit Bible pounding county in order to get an accurate view of our President’s performance? Screw this man. I’m going to work for the BBC. At least they can show nudity and cuss on T.V.”

In addition to this new rating system, a new bill has been proposed in the House of Representatives to disallow media outlets and outside research groups from conducting their own poll.

“Hey… you people voted for him. You deal with this,” said Democratic chairman Howard Dean.

The first rating report was distributed to media outlets shortly after the press conference to unveil the system. The ratings showed that 100% of Americans think Bush is the best President in American history. In addition, the report showed that 97% of Americans think that there are too many “colored” people on TV.


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