North Carolina Braces For Biggest Hippie Jam Fest Of The Year

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This map of the South East shows large concentration of hippies (in yellow) gathering near Raleigh, NC.
This map of the South East shows large concentration of hippies (in yellow) gathering near Raleigh, NC.

RALEIGH, NC – With Hippie Jam Fest season entering its second month, another large Hippie Jam Fest, named Jampalooma, is expected to reach the Southern coast of North Carolina early next week.

So far this year, Hippie Jam Fests have caused over two billion dollars in destruction all across the country. The worst hit was Evansville, IN but Jampalooma has the potential to do twice the damage.

“I’ve been tracking and studying Hippie Jam Fests for almost ten years now and this Jampalooma looks like it could be the worst I’ve ever seen,” said Ali Bauer of Hippie Jam West Watch. “It has all the markings of a huge storm; 20 plus jam bands in the line-up, no less than 10 colleges within a 300 mile radius and warm temperatures. When you add all those things up you get a pot smoke cloud that will reach from Atlanta to Richmond.”

Last month’s Humper’s Day Fest, the Hippie Jam Fest t hat devastated Evansville, caused 480 million dollars in damage and was blamed for seven deaths.

“(Humper’s Day Fest) really snuck up on us,” said Evansville resident Carol Reggers. “All of a sudden the winds started picking up and before you knew it, there were dirty hippies everywhere. I had one land right in my front yard. I looked out and the damn thing was just spinning in place. It got out of control and ended up smashing into my garage. I fixed the garage but I still can’t get the stench of patchouli oil out of my drapes. Fuckin’ hippies. I just hate them so much.”

Residents of Raleigh and the surrounding area are being advised to leave the city and board up all windows and doorways.

“Hippie Jam Fests are nothing to trifle with,” said Sgt. Greg Peterson of the Raleigh Police Department. “They have a tendency to grow very rapidly and unexpectedly so the best thing to do is just leave the city. Especially if you have kids. You do not want kids around these god damned hippies ‘cause before you know it your kid will start wearing sandals and talking about ‘doobies’ and ‘ganja.’”

Janette Raine, who lost her husband to a Hippie Jam Fest in 2001 has advice for those facing a potential Hippie Jam Fest.

“Run. Get everything you own, put it in the car and run,” said Raine. “Billy and I thought we could wait it out. We thought we could beat a bunch of good fer nuthin’ hippies but we were wrong. Dead wrong. Billy went out to get the mail one day and was crushed by a telephone pole that a bunch of hippies had climed lookin’ for bananas. The bastards were so high they thought there was bananas on the top of the pole. Billy never saw it comin.’”

Normally, the Hippie Jam Fest Season lasts from the beginning of May to September. This season has already seen 17 Hippie Jam Fests spring up and scientists are predicting that several more are on the horizon.

“This is going to be the worst season that I’ve ever seen,” Bauer said. “All the conditions are perfect for theses things to continue happening all over the country. The weather is warm, there’s been a lot of rain and things are green. All the things that bring hippies out of the woodwork like the roaches they are. And no, I’m not talking about marijuana roaches.”


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