Bush Nominates Jesus Christ For Seat On Supreme Court
Published August 2005 0 Comments | Share:
Jesus H. Christ stands next to President George W. Bush as Bush announces Christ's nomination to the United States Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced his nomination for Sandra Day O’Connor’s replacement on the United States Supreme Court during a press conference late last week. Bush’s selection, Jesus H. Christ, is a popular nomination among conservatives but the nomination will likely come under fire from Democrats.
“I’ve said all along that I wouldn’t want a litmus test, whatever the heck that means, for my Supreme Court nominees. And that includes Jesus,” said Bush. “Jesus here is a personal friend of mine and a strong decision maker with a proven track record. He is not one of those damn liberal activist judges letting people get away with eating babies and suing drug manufactures because they got cancer from taking their pills. No. Jesus is one of the good ones. And he hates Muslims so that’s good too.”
Christ stood next to Bush during the press conference but was unavailable at the time for questions.
The day after the press conference and during an interview with the Washington Post, Christ said he isn’t the man that Bush thinks he is.
“You know, Bush thinks I’m one of his best friends but… I honestly don’t really like the guy,” Christ said. “He keeps throwing my name around and it kinda bothers me. That and he has this view that I am this wacko super Christian but really, I’m more Buddhist than I am Christian. I don’t even think he realizes that I’m Pro-Choice.”
O’Connor’s departure from the Highest Court in the country started widespread speculation on who Bush would choose as a replacement. It was reported shortly after O’Connor’s retirement that Bush was considering nominating an aborted fetus.
“What better way to get the sympathy vote for stricter abortion laws than with an aborted fetus? It’s perfect,” Bush said in an interview with Fox News last month. “The fetus we selected for the Supreme Court was named Kevin, and he was aborted in 2004. Wow, is he a cute little guy. Quiet though, hardly says a word. But that just shows he’s a deep thinker. He mulls before he speaks. I admire that. But unfortunately, Kevin didn’t pan out. Turns out he was dead. I admire his courage in admitting that though.”
While Christians throughout the country are applauding the nomination of Christ, Democrats and atheists fear that Christ will only make our problems worse.
“In my opinion, this is the worst thing that we could do as a country,” said Hillary Rodham Clinton, Democrat from New York. “Most of the world doesn’t even believe in (Christ). How does that make us look? If we appoint (Christ) to our Supreme Court, why not Confucius? Why not Muhammad? Why not one of the billion Hindu gods? If part of the country doesn’t think he exists then how the hell can they be expected to obey his rulings?”
Christ’s nomination will go to a Senate vote within the next two weeks.
“I’m flattered by the nomination and I know I’ll do what’s best for this country,” said Christ. “And for those that are concerned, I do expect that my father will keep his grubby little hands out of this nomination process, unlike the 2004 election. But, if my nomination goes through, I promise that I will do everything in my power to make this country better. I know one thing; those boring sessions are going to be a bit livelier as soon as I get my hands on that water. You know what I mean? Yeah you do.”
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