Crackheads Slap Former Dealer with Lawsuit

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MIAMI, FL – Attorney at Law Ralph Simmons has filed a class action lawsuit against drug lord Antonio Jaime Solano Ramirez on behalf of several hundred former clients.

The suit claims Ramirez is to blame for the current situation of more than 300 inmates of Cook County Correctional Facility. The lawsuit also implies that the drugs and violence that Ramirez sold and perpetuated endangered the lives of these inmates and ultimately sent them all to jail.

“It’s illexcusable, man, unint’igible, and ig’nant,” said one of the plaintiffs, Omar Batiste, in an exclusive interview with The Scoop. “I shouldn’t haf’ to be tossin’ no big Nubian muthaf’cker’s salad just to get my high. Ramirez, that mof’ck, is responsible for the drugs being here and out der, he owe us.”

“You have to understand what a delicate situation this really is,” Simmons says. “My clients were robbed, robbed of their dignity, robbed of their self respect, robbed of the little intelligence they once had. The man who robbed them should be responsible for paying them back. This is the reason we are suing Mr. Ramirez for 600 million dollars in physical and emotional damage.”

In his own defense, the known professional drug lord and hobby taxidermist Ramirez also granted The Scoop an exclusive interview, to clear his “good name.”

“Dunde la beuno es los fuego insperada. Ala ensuspremo a las enstudiante a los locos en las stupendiste la supressa. ?Chicos no ellas vas sucke en el membre? !El laquinta soy ellas muy enfrio de Columbia y Guatemala! !Fucking el conquistadores pussies!” Ramirez said.

The plaintiffs learned to read in prison, where they began researching and organizing their case against Ramirez. It wasn’t until after a Dateline Special Report that Simmons picked up the case.

“Well sure, we can sit here all night and talk about how Lenny killed his wife and two children in a crack fueled rage. Or we could talk about how Enrique got all jacked up on coke and in the middle of a 12 day binge stabbed 27 innocent people with a sharpened Lego at a Hootie and Blowfish concert. That is not who these people are. They are victims. Pure and simple. It is not about the money either,” Simmons said.

“Wes… es… a… looking for… a… reseration essay,” inmate and plantif Juan Domingez said. “We don’t want no money, but it would be good eh?”

In addition to the lawsuit against Ramirez, the inmates have filed suit against the state, the judges who tried their cases, the police who arrested them, and the families of their alleged victims.

The case goes to Florida State superior court on Tuesday.

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