CLINTON, OH – As the debate over the teaching of the origin of life continues, a new, more radical theory is beginning to push its way to the forefront and is starting to become widely accepted. The theory, called “the Cabbage Patch Theory” argues that man first came from cabbage fields located in Cleveland, GA.
“This is so obviously where the human race came from,” said Harvard Professor Wayne Hodgkins. “Forget about the whole God creating man thing. Forget about man coming from stupid monkeys. Look at all this proof. I have scientific proof that all humans started out life as a head of cabbage. When that cabbage matures, its leaves open up and a fully formed human crawls out. Cabbage holds all the vital nutrients that are essential to human life, so this theory only makes sense.”
The proof that Hodgkins claims to have is remains discovered while on an archeology dig in Georgia.
“We were out there digging in the dirt for fucking forever… oh, can I say fuck? Does your paper edit it out? Oh, good,” Hodgkins said. “Anyways, I ran to get some drinks from Wall-Mart. It was there that I first caught a glimpse of something strange. Back near the toys there appeared to be remains of young children that were half cabbage and half human. It really was remarkable. And the thing is, there are remains like this all across the country, not just in Georgia.”
Hodgkins believes the remains found may be from the Paleolithic era if not earlier. While the specimens are clearly human, they do lack some of the features of current humans.
“It seems to me that the first human life on Earth started out as little, androgynous children with no distinct genitalia that more than likely reproduced asexually,” Hodgkins said. “From there, the need to grow a penis’ and vaginas was a basic evolutionary must. I mean these creatures had to do something when they were not getting eaten by the dinosaurs, so they might as well grow organs that allow them to have sex. Also, the heads seems to be ridiculously big. Actually, they are almost creepy big. If my kid had a head that size I’d drop the little fucker off in the forest and run.”
While Hodkins and many others believe that this new theory should be taught along side Evolution and Creationism, opponents have come out in force to ensure that doesn’t happen.
“The thought that humans come from cabbages is appalling to me. The whole thing is just absurd… even worse than the whole monkey thing,” said Christian Author Betty Lynn Sullivan. “It is my wish, and I pray for this every night, that people will realize the truth. I mean, what’s easier to believe? That people come from a stinky cabbage in Georgia or that some wonderful, loving super being in the sky created us out of thin air.”
Hodgkins stands by his theory and says he is confident that as more and more evidence comes out, the nay-sayers will become believers.
“Come on people, this Cabbage Patch Theory is at least easier to believe than the whole God thing,” Hodgkins said. “With this theory I at least have some shred of proof. All the God camp has is a book that has a lot of hearsay and conjecture based on some book that was written well after the fact. The evolution theory is close and I think a lot of that proof they have will actually come back to prove my theory. If you look real close at Lucy, you’ll see that she has skull fragments that look suspiciously like cabbage leaves. Seriously, take a look. I’ll wait here.”