Hospitals Implement Morality Tests To Admit "Good People" First

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ST LOUIS, MO – In a move that is both financially and ethically motivated, hospital administrators in Missouri have decided to begin screening patients for moral values and basing treatment options on the outcomes of those screenings.

Incoming patients will be identified through a serious of psychological tests to be either “good people” or “bad people.” Those patients that are considered “good people” will be treated first whereas “bad people” will be treated last, if at all. Patients in the emergency room will be given a series of tests designed to evaluate the patients moral standing. These tests include a Rorschach test and the Myers Briggs personality test among others. Some hospitals are even going as far as interviewing coworkers and family members of patients in order to get a morality report as true as possible.

“With healthcare such a hotbox for political discourse all the while settling nothing, we here in St. Louis decided to do things our way,” said Gregory Schlemson, St. Joseph Spokesman. “The government can keep arguing about it but in the meantime, we are going to save the people that need and deserve to be saved. If you prove yourself a benefit to society then you will be taken care of right away. But if the tests show that you are the next Hitler or Dick Cheney, well… you’ll just have to sit there until we’ve taken care of everyone else. No one in this building wants to save someone if they are just going to turn around and ruin lives.”

The new patient screening process has been in place for three weeks and Schlemson says his hospital’s staff is happier then they have ever been.

“I feel so much better and work so much harder knowing that the person on the table is a good person,” said Interventional Cardiologist Edgar White. “And if it’s been a long day and the guy I’m looking at is listed as a shitty person, then I’m not real concerned about doing a good job. If something breaks off or things just aren’t going right I can say ‘fuck it’ and just let them stay as is. Even though that patient may die, the world will be a better place without them.”

The tests are proving popular among some visitors but many are finding the results of the tests shocking.

“These tests are bullshit,” said area business man Ray Mercedes. “I’m a good, hard working, Catholic guy from the Northside. I voted for Bush, I watch baseball and I am an executive at Dial. I’m not the next Hitler. I went in to the emergency room last week to get some stitches because I… well, I won’t get into what happened but (hospital administrators) made me take tests before they’d let me see a doctor. After about 15 minutes, they came back and said they couldn’t help me because I cheat on my wife, taxes and have extorted money from my company. All of those things have never happened or at least can be proven.”

While a majority of communities have embraced the new regulations, there are some that are challenging the legality of the tests.

“Man, that is so against the law it’s not even funny,” said Bob Swell of the Banner, Pym, Marko and Drake law firm. “No person should be denied medical care just because someone else thinks they’re bad. Who exactly is the one determining the scale of this? I mean, what if the person setting the standard fucks dogs? Does that mean that if you fuck a dog, or dogs, will that get you treated faster? It’s just insane.”

Regardless of protests, all of the hospitals that have instituted the policy are vowing to stick with it.

“This is the best thing that has happened to the hospital business since bed pans,” said Schlemson. “I mean I dictate who lives and who dies. Since I couldn’t be a doctor, I get to do the next best thing. And even if you are a good person, I may not allow you to be treated if I don’t like the cut of your jib. Yeah, I just said the cut of your jib, and if you don’t like it, we’ll see how far you get when you need that new kidney.”


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