Jolie-Pitt Child Ends Speculation, Signs With Talent Agent

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HOLLYWOOD, CA – Months of speculation was ended this week as the child of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie signed with talent agent Omar Riz. The signing came as a shock to many as neither Pitt nor Jolie are associated with Riz.

“Early word on the street was that the kid would go with Watson, Blake and Connors – the firm that represents her dad,” said Variety Columnist Gary Weilder. “The kid is already showing that it won’t ride on the success of its parents and that it will try to carve its own niche in Hollywood.”

The child, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, was being courted by several of the industries biggest names and at least 10 different firms contacted the child before it was born.

“I know for a fact that a couple of the bigger talent agents brought over gifts for the baby when it was still inside Ms. Jolie,” said Jolie’s personal assistant Gerdy Danversill. “I know one guy, I can’t remember his name, but he gave the baby a really nice watch. It looked really good on the baby… at least we thought it did. Ultrasound is hard to tell sometimes.”

According to Riz, his company is currently looking at upcoming projects and is hoping to have baby Jolie-Pitt in a feature film as early as next year.

“What we have to do is launch this wonderful child’s career the right way,” said Riz. “We don’t want it to fizzle out early like that dorky kid from the ‘Jerry McGuire’ movie. We are looking at two things right now, both starring roles. I’ve seen a lot of child actors in my time and I tell you what – this baby can act. You should have seen some of the audition tapes it made before it was born. The quality is shit but what do you expect from a camera and microphone shoved up a vagina?”

One of the two projects Riz hopes to lockdown is a sequel to the 80’s film ‘Footloose.”

“OK, picture this,” Riz said. “There’s this town in Utah right? And if there’s one thing they hate more than dancing its bastard babies. So what do you think happens when a new dancing, bastard baby rolls into town to shake things up? I tell you, it’s going to be pure box office gold. And if it doesn’t fly, we all know that it wont be (baby Jolie-Pitt’s) fault.”

The media circus that has surrounded the Jolie-Pitt baby has never seen it’s equal. Hoping to use that circus as a bargaining chip, Jolie-Pitt waited weeks until after being born to select his talent agent.

“Gahhhhhh, brrrrrrssssp,” said the young Jolie-Pitt. “Heeeee, gaazzzzzzz.”

In addition to movie roles, Riz suggests that the public should get use to seeing Jolie-Pitt’s face everywhere.

“We shoot the cover of Modern Baby next week and after that we have a four page spread in the new Maxim,” said Riz. “This baby is blowin’ up! You know, though not literally. She knows more than anyone that if she even starts to get fat, the world will turn on her like they did that hot girl from the Facts of Life. Poor, poor Blair, you were so pretty. So pretty.”

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