No Longer a Dog, Pluto Assigned New Classification

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No Longer a Dog, Pluto Assigned New Classification
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ANAHEIM, CA – After a gathering of Disney Corporation senior Imagineers, it was announced that the cartoon character of Pluto the dog will be reclassified. The change will move Pluto from the classification of “canine” to a new species tentatively called “Dogturd.”

“For a long time people have been confused by our characters,” said Elliot Franklin, Disney Character Director. “People would ask ‘if Pluto is a dog, what the hell is Goofy?’ And on the flip side, ‘if Goofy is a dog just like Pluto why can’t Pluto stand upright and talk?’ It never has made much sense. Unless you think that Pluto is somehow retarded. That’s the only explanation that I could come up with to justify the whole mess. Both Goofy and Pluto are dogs but Pluto is a mongoloid dog. I don’t even know if dogs can be retarded but, eh, doesn’t matter now, does it?”

A Dogturd, named after Pluto, will be off shoot of the canine family and has been described as a four-legged mammal with an elongated snout and enlarged and protruding black sphere like nostrils. A small brain and emotional instability are also key characteristics of a Dogturd.

Pluto was introduced in 1930 and has undergone virtually no change since his first appearance in a cartoon. No changes are planned for the design of the character but designers are hoping to bring new life to Pluto.

“We feel that this is the right time to finally do this,” said Disney CEO Robert Iger. “(Reclassifying Pluto) has been talked about for several years, but no one really had the balls to do it. Michael Eisner sure as hell didn’t. With the American public becoming more and more sophisticated with regards to family oriented entertainment, it seemed like the perfect time to it. Between me and you, and this isn’t for print, but me personally, I would have like to see the character put to sleep. I’ve always hated him. Even as a kid watching Disney cartoons, I hated him. Tell me one productive thing that he has done in the cartoons? You can’t do it because he doesn’t do anything. People tell me all the time ‘I love Pluto, he’s so funny.’ I just want to slap those people. I hate those people almost as much as I hate Pluto. My boss, you know… Satan, yeah, he hates him too.”

While Disney officials are planning on progressing with the change, a petition has been started online to keep the beloved character the way he is – as a dog.

“This is a travesty on a global scale,” said petition originator Andrew Spangler. “Pluto is a character that represents the best things about America. He has no worries, he lives only to serve Mickey Mouse and he can lick his own testicles. If they take away his right to be a dog, he’s just another creature that can, by happenstance, lick his own balls. He would become a freak of nature. And I can tell you, that is not the America that I want to live in.”

As of press time, sixteen signatures had been collected for the online petition. Additionally, Pluto was unavailable for comment.

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