TOKYO, JAPAN – At an electronic gaming convention in Japan this week the next generation of video game consoles were on display giving the world glimpses into the future of video game playing. Most of the new features on all the consoles revolve around making the gaming experience more encompassing and easier on the player by including things such as feeding tubes and revolutionary waste disposal/power conversion system.
“We are reaching an age in video games that is beyond anything that we could have ever imagined 10, even five years ago,” said Sony Playstation Spokesman Gary Sann. “I mean, when the first video game consoles were invented, do you think they anticipated a machine that actually took a persons urine and fecal matter to power the console? They might have had dreams about it, I mean we all have at some point, but it was really nothing more than just a pipe dream. This tube will be inserted into a player’s anus and once the waste has exited the body and been transported the Playstation, the Playstation will convert that waste into a power source. That’s absolutely incredible. This technology will revolutionize the world.”
In addition to the mew power source, other highlights of The Playstation 3, which will be available later this year, include a food processor, IV drip and needle kit that can sustain a video game player for up to 39 consecutive hours of video game playing.
“What we want to do is keep our gamers into the game for as long as humanly possible,” said Sann. “By adding the IV drip a gamer can get sustenance and hydration while never having to turn off the game. Now a guy can play Grand Theft Auto for almost three days without taking a break. That alone will allow players to really get into the games to a point that someday soon, players won’t ever have to stop playing… ever.”
Nintendo, which will soon release its next generation console the Wii, has also included a feeding tube but has also included an attachment that is said to “relieve the stress that only true video game players can know.”
“I’m going to be honest with you; typical video gamers don’t get a lot of action,” said head of Nintendo America, Dan Capran. “And by ‘action’ I mean sex. True there are those anomalies out there that play video games and have seen another person naked in the real world, but these people are few and far between. With the Wii you get an attachment that fits snugly around the penis, no matter how small, and vibrates in time with the game. It’s pretty spectacular. As of now, there are only plans for the male attachment, because let’s face it, any girl, at anytime can have sex. This new attachment will come with the new Lora Croft: Tomb Raider game.”
With the video gaming industry increasing revenue every year, marketing each system has become more aggressive.
“Every minute that these little dorks aren’t playing our machine is money out of our pockets,” said Charles Franklin, Sony Playstation Marketing executive. “The new Playstation, with the poop-power and the feeding tube make it a much better system than anything else out there right now. The X-Box 360 doesn’t have either of those things so remember that this Christmas when you are trying to decide on your new gaming system. And just a something else to add… did you know that Microsoft makes X-Boxes out of puppies? It’s true. And every time you turn on a Nintendo, a child is killed in China.”
The Playstation 3 and Nintendo Wii will be released this winter.