New Warning System Alerts Americans To Skank Level

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Miami, FL is expected to hit a Skank Level of Nine this month.
Miami, FL is expected to hit a Skank Level of Nine this month.

WASINGTON, DC – The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a statement and simultaneously released a new warning system to track threats posed by skanks. The new system comes just weeks before the spring skank increase experienced annually in America’s warmer climates.

The new warning system will be number based with a range from one to 10 – 10 being the worst possible proliferation of skankiness.

“This warning system is completely necessary to protect good, honest citizens from the threat of skanks,” said HHS spokesman Ron Westen. “Skanks are single handily the cause of all the problems in the US. Disease? Skanks. High gas prices? Skanks. The war in Iraq? Yup, you guessed it, skanks. Yes I said it. We are in Iraq because someone, I’m not going to say who, but someone wanted to impress a skank.”

According to the HHS, America is currently at a Level Seven Skank with an anticipation of a two to three level increase as Spring Break begins to hit towns in Arizona and Florida.

“What we’ve seen over the past decade is that as the weather heats up, the skank level also rises,” Westen said. “When the temperature goes up, the clothes come off and skanks start to drink more to, what we can only assume, is to cool off.”

Skanks are defined by the HHS as a woman wearing very little clothing who is typically drunk, unintelligent and easy to bed. Skanks also roam area in packs of up to nine.

“There are many threats to Americans and one of the worst is the skank,” said Mike Leavitt, Secretary of Health and Human Services. “Skanks are horrible, horrible things, more dangerous than even mythical beast like trolls, goblins or God. Skanks have the ability to impair judgment. They have the power to make you see things that aren’t there, to make you feel things that aren’t there. If you don’t believe me, approach a skank, see what it does to you.”

The warning system will alert citizens on the skank conditions in their surrounding area, advising whether or not it is safe to go outside.

“Think of it like the UV index or the tornado early warning system,” Westen said. “When the skank level is low, about one or two, it is perfectly fine to go outside. When you get into the area of five to seven, it’s still ok to go out, but one should be extremely cautious. From with eight to 10, I wouldn’t even recommend getting your morning paper. At those levels, the skank saturation is upwards of 98%. When you get that high, there will be scantily clad, drunk chicks everywhere. While that may sound pretty good to most guys, trust me when I say it is not.”

While the threat of skanks is very real, some people think that the government is overreacting.

“I jus wanna, Whooooooooo!” said Cindy Weis, 21, a student at the University of Georgia. “I totally, totally drank, like, 15 shots of tequila. Whooooooo! And I’ma totally gonna fuck some guy, hey, you wanna bet me that I wont make out with Jessica? Cus I totally will. Whoooooooo!”

While there currently is no permanent solution for America’s skank epidemic, researchers are making progress and hope to have a vaccine in the next five years.

“Right now we are close but close won’t get rid of skanks,” said Scientist Jerry Spacer. “If we can get something that will get rid of skanks by the end of the decade, I will consider it the most significant scientific breakthrough since Viagra.”

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