WASHINGTON, DC – Facing stiff competition from Democrats and declining support, many Republican candidates have begun restructuring their platforms and in some cases, straying from conservative support, if only slightly. The biggest change comes in the form of several Republican Presidential candidates now supporting abortion – but only for Hispanics.
During a televised debate last week, Presidential candidate Mitt Romney stunned the gathered audience by saying “I am against abortion and I am for reducing the number of Hispanics in the country so… if Hispanics have abortions, I’ll be ok with that since they aren’t really people anyways.”
After Romney made his statement, candidates Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani and John McCain agreed that they too support abortions for Hispanics.
“Right now immigration is a huge issue and one that isn’t easily remedied. We have to get creative,” said Senator McCain (R-AZ). “If Hispanics were allowed abortions, and even encouraged to have abortions, my home state of Arizona would not be as over run with Mexicans… I mean Hispanics, as it is today. I think all Americans, regardless of religion, can agree that is not a bad thing.”
Abortion, a hot topic for the last 30 years, is strongly apposed by Conservatives and the religious right. While these two groups do not support the candidate’s new stance on the issue, the groups said they will still support candidates who approve of Hispanic abortions.
“The way the Catholic Church sees it… abortion of a human being is wrong no matter how you look at it,” said Cardinal Jacob Caldwell. “That being said, the Christian community at large does not view Hispanics as people, so letting them have abortions does not violates God’s law. Yes I know that we have a large population of Hispanic patrons, and no I’m not worried about them reading this and getting upset. I’m speaking English and this will be printed in English. Those of Hispanic descent cannot comprehend the English language. Just like their closest relative, the common rat, God made them so they can’t understand us. Have you ever met a rat that could understand you? No.”
Even though more Republicans are jumping onto this new way of thinking, many in the party are not sure this is the best stance to be taking.
“Wow, that’s just stupid,” said Conrad Burns (R-MT). “I mean, I know Hispanics aren’t really people but that doesn’t mean they should all die. Hispanic babies are just too damn cute. You wouldn’t go around killing all the puppies in the world just because they’ll just grow up to be worthless animals, would you? No, the world is better off having Hispanic babies running around. Now if we could figure out a way to get rid of all the Hispanics that aren’t babies anymore, now we’re talking!”
Pro-Choice advocates are outraged by the thought of “selective support” for the right to choose to have an abortion and maintain that every person be allowed the same freedom.
“Firstly, referring to Hispanics as ‘not human’ is bad enough but then saying that they should have abortions so there isn’t as many of us running around is a terrible, terrible thing to say,” said Pro-Choice activist Melanie Hernandez. “The freedom of choice is one of the most basic elements to being human and if I want to cruise down to the local frat house and let them gang bang me – I shouldn’t have to worry about getting pregnant, having the baby and trying to figure out which member of Sigma Nu is the daddy.”