WASHINGTON, DC – With no clear front-runner for the Republican Presidential candidate, several GOP members have called a back-up plan into action and have reanimated former President Ronald Reagan.
Although he has been dead for almost three years, Republicans have had his body frozen in case of emergency.
“We knew that there would someday be a need for (Reagan) to come back, we just didn’t figure on it being this soon,” said Mike Duncan, chairman of the Republican National Committee. “As soon as he died, we took measures to make sure that when the time came, he would be ready. Unfortunately, with the piss poor Republican candidates this year, we’ve have to accelerate our plans a bit.”
The new Reagan, dubbed Reagenstien by GOP party members, was reassembled by top genetic scientists from around the world. In that case that Reagan’s original organs or bones were unusable, the scientists used the body parts of homeless people as replacements.
“The initial plan was to clone new parts of Reganstein, but, you know, with stem cells being an issue for us Republicans, we decided that using homeless people’s parts was only slightly less immoral,” Duncan said. “We told homeless people we’d give them five dollars to answer a few questions, then we’d kill them and use whatever body part we needed at the time. The best part of the whole process? We didn’t have to give those dirty bums the five bucks! That kept the whole project well under budget which really is a considerable feat for us.”
Republican’s are hoping to capitalize on Reagan’s posthumous popularity ahead of upcoming caucuses.
“We know that we’re hurting here, so we had to do something to get into the good graces of the American People,” said Republican Senator Roger Wicker of Mississippi. “I mean after the debacle of the last eight years and being faced with these bunch of candidates? We realize that we are essentially screwed. If we have to stick with Captain Mormon and Strokey McGee, no one wins. So we had to bring back Reagan. It was our only choice.”
Scientist’s were able to keep much of Reagan’s brain in tact although some hints of Alzheimer’s disease still linger.
“We did everything we could to remove the Alzheimer’s disease form the brain, but really, we could only do so much,” said John Fator, the head of the surgical team behind Reganstein. “It would have been really nice if we could have used some stem cells, but nooooo, President Dark Ages say’s that we can’t. Oh well, it’s not on my head.”
Shortly after the announcement of Reagan’s existence, poll numbers put him in third place for the Republican Presidential nomination behind Mitt Romney and John McCain.
“With the two, um, strong candidates that we have with Romney and McCain, and now with Reaganstein, there is nothing that can keep (the Republicans) out of the White House,” Duncan said. “Unless the Democrats get crazy and make a Barack (Obama) and Hillary (Clinton) mash up. If they made Barillary monster, we’d all be screwed.”
Since the announcement of his existence, Reagan has kept a low profile only addressing the media on a single occasion.
“Me… Reagan hungry. Want eat Edwards’ brain,” said Reagan. “Ponies like white. Reagan hate poor people! Arh! Kill… dance with hooker dead! Arh!”
Although the Constitution states that no President can server more than two terms, legal experts unanimously agree that the newly re-animated Reagan can still be elected President because he was officially pronounced dead and he now contains “about 39% different body parts.”
“Yes, he can be President,” said Gilbert LeClare. “Because he is more than one third a different person that legally makes him a new person. An abomination to god, but a new person none the less.”