WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the economy is recession, The United States Government has issued recommendations to taxpayers on how to spend their economic stimulus checks.
Stating that the economic stimulus package will have its greatest affect on the struggling economy if the money is spent on goods and services made in the U.S., the Federal Reserve is suggesting American’s buy Crystal Methamphetamine instead of heroin.
“Americans should buy Crystal Methamphetamine, ‘Meth’ or ‘Hill-Billy Heroin’ as the kids call it, because it comes from here. It comes from the U.S.,” said Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke. “American’s have been making Meth for decades. It’s an American tradition. By buying Meth, you will be supporting the economy by feeding money right back into the economy. But if you buy heroin, you’ll be shipping all this money to Afghanistan. That won’t help our economy. Unless we take over the heroin trade over there… not that I’m suggesting that. Although that would be a good economic move. Again, I’m just saying that right now, Meth is where it’s at.”
Crystal Methamphetamine is a psychostimulant and sympathomimetic drug popularized in America by biker gangs in the 1960s and 70s and is produced in small scale locally, typically in rural areas.
“Over the past several years, Meth addiction has become something close to an epidemic,” said Drug Enforcement Agency, Leonard Gray. “(Meth) is just so easy to get, or make that people can make a ton of it for a little bit of money, then turn around and sell whatever they don’t use themselves. Not to mention that it makes sex absolutely fantastic. I mean, I though Extasy was good for fucking, but man, it doesn’t hold a candle to Meth. I did it again the other night with this trailer skank I hooked up with a Rusty’s Bar and the sex was nothing short of magic. I mean, of course no one should ever do drugs, I’m just using that as a hypothetical.”
More recently, Crystal Methamphetamine, has been increasingly imported from Mexico, but President Bush is confident that the economic stimulus check could, and should be used to make meth locally.
“Don’t buy heroin or Meth made by them Mexicans,” said Bush. “The only way this stimulus thingies gonna work is if you spend it on things made here. It’d be like if I was still doing coke… it’d be like that.”
According to the DEA, Meth manufactured outside of the US is more dangerous and potentially lethal than Meth manufactured in the US.
“We know that a lot of Meth is coming in from Mexico and Canada right now and that’s not the Meth that you should be buying,” said Gray. “Talk to your dealer and find out where his, or her, stuff comes from. If they don’t have any American made Meth, buy some Weed or something cheaper and wait until he, or she, gets some good American Meth to sell you. I can’t stress this enough. Foreign Meth is bad, and you should under no circumstances buy it. Buy Meth made here in the States. Not that we are advocating the purchase of illicit drugs. That’s not what I’m saying, I’m just using that as a hypothetical.”
In addition to suggestions for buy locally produced drugs, The Federal Reserve also suggests buying pornography, guns and cigarettes.
“The only things made in America anymore are guns, cigarettes and porn. Three great tastes that taste great together. Weapons and smokes might not be the first thing one would think about buying, but really, at this point those are the smartest things a person can invest in,” said Bernanke. “With the price of gas going up, we’ll soon find ourselves in a situation not unlike the one that was seen in the Mad Max movies. Gas will be really expensive and that will prompt roving gangs of vigilantes to storm across the country raping and pillaging. In this dystopian near future cigarettes will be worth more than gold, and you’ll need guns to protect you cigarettes and women. It’s that simple. And porn… you can never really have enough so I’m not even sure we really need to reinforce the purchase of porn.”