ST. LOUIS, MO – Budweiser Brewing Company has signed a contract that could revolutionize the marketing and promotion or alcoholic beverages. The deal, which will see Budweiser sponsoring a local man’s liver disease, is said to be worth in the neighborhood of $2.3 million.
Jeffrey Pattol, 53, was diagnosed with Alcoholic cirrhosis due to his heavy drinking over the last 30 years. Budweiser was made aware of Pattol’s condition after a Budweiser Marketing employee overheard Pattol talking in a local bar.
“Pattol’s dedication to alcohol and to Bud Light specifically, is truly amazing,” said Budweiser Marketing Director Wayne Primer. “For over 30 years Mr. Pattol has been dedicating his life to alcohol and for that we are going to reward him. Budweiser will sponsor his liver disease in hopes of spreading the Bud brand.”
According to Primer, Budweiser will provide Pattol with clothing, a car and free alcohol for the rest of his life.
“One thing I want to make clear so there is no misunderstanding here is that Budweiser will not be paying any medical bills,” said Primer. “That would be like acknowledging that Budweiser had something to do with Pattol’s illness. I cannot stress this enough people. Budweiser in no way is accepting responsibility for this man’s disease riddled body. We obviously didn’t make this man a worthless, alcoholic waste of life. No, that was his ex-wife and children. They drove him to drinking, not Budweiser’s full body flavor. While we won’t be paying the bills, we are willing to help him look fashionable in this brand new ‘Dude, I’m an alcoholic!’ shirt. And we’ll even help him get to his doctor appointments in this brand new Bud-mobile!”
Although Budweiser will be providing Pattol with free goods, at least one person close to Pattol is not convinced the sponsorship is in Pattol’s best interest.
“The man is an alcoholic so tell me how giving him free beer for the rest of his life is a good idea,” said Pattol’s niece Wendy Lisst. “(Pattol) has ruined every relationship he’s ever had, including his immediate family. I’m the only one that can even stand to see him so I am the only one looking out for him. And now Budweiser wants to come in here, take advantage of this guy and get him to push their beer? Next thing you know Depends will come in here to sponsor his bladder control issues – which I’d like to point out are also the result of his drinking himself to death.”
Despite the protests from the only ones close to him, Pattol is looking forward to his new status.
“Man, this is the best thing that ever happened to me,” Pattol said. “What could be better than getting free shit everyday of your life? I can’t thinks of anything, unless that free shit is pussy. But really, as long as I gets free beer, I don’t care about the pussy. I gots me a brand new hat too. It’s not as good as my old hat, that one said ‘I’m getting a Contact Buzz.’ Man that was funny. That shit made me cracks up every time I sees it. But now, since Bud is paying me all this money, I gots to wear this one. That’s cool though. You know what I’m sayin’?”
Budweiser expects that the new advertising campaign to kick off next month and run through next Spring, if Pattol doesn’t pass away first.
“Yeah, we realize that it’s a big risk, because let’s face it, Mr. Pattol isn’t exactly healthy,” Primer said. “He may not be the prettiest spokes model, but he is the kind of customer that we want – desperate and willing to spend every dollar he makes on our cool, refreshing products. I know there are a lot of these people out there, but they need to have a bit more commitment to this life.”