MARTINVILLE, UT – It was a shocking move that racked the once quiet city of Martinville. A decision ending one career and beginning another.
Earlier this week, Brigahm Sutherland, 16, a Junior at Benson High School, was officially awarded the coveted title of “Da Man,” overthrowing the seven year dynasty of the previous “Man,” Josh Wallaner.
“This is a complete shock,” Sutherland said. “I don’t even know what to say. I mean heck, I’ve known Josh for a long time, and he is truly ‘Da Man,’” Sutherland said.
Though the title is considered by many to be one of the most distinguished, Sutherland is taking it all in stride.
“Even though they handed down the title to me, he will always be ‘Da Man’ in my opinion. Then again the guy has always been really mean to me. But like I always say, ‘Love thy neighbor’.” Sutherland said.
After the press conference held at the Martinville Latter Day Saint 8th Stake House, Wallaner was visibly upset.
“My ass he’s the ‘Man’,” Wallaner said of Sutherland. “If he’s the ‘Man’, you can call me Mother Fuckin’ Theresa. That scrawny piece of shit couldn’t wash my feet.”
Wallaner, who was agitated throughout the entire session, stormed out of the conference room just moments after the title was officially handed to Sutherland.
“He may have the title, but everybody knows that I am the only person that is truly da man in this town.” Wallaner screamed on his way out the door. “So you just go and worship his punk ass, but I’ll be back. Y’all better watch it foo’ case next year, da man is comin’ back.”
The decision was handed down by “Da Man” committee consisting of one teenage girl from Benson High School, Sutherland’s seven-year-old brother and a few senior citizens from the town.
The inauguration ceremony was a gala affair, the likes of which have never been seen in Martinville. The ceremony, which included a party where non-caffeinated beverages were the drink of choice, was held in Mayor Smith’s barn. Suzi Allen, former Mormon Tabernacle Choir singer, sang a selection of favorites. However, her performance was cut short when her teary-eyed version of “I Kissed a Girl” got a little out of hand.
With the parties and ceremonies behind him, Sutherland will be pretty busy in the coming weeks.
On July 29 he will be on hand at the grand opening of “Big Jed’s” Bait and Tackle Shack. The very next day, Sutherland will have to travel the three miles to the other side of town to preside over the PTA’s annual Pig Kissin’ Contest.
“I’m really lookin’ forward to the kissin’ contest. They got some pretty good lookin’ pigs this year. It’ll be a great time for everybody.” Sutherland said.
Although the first couple months of Sutherland’s reign will be somewhat calm, a very demanding schedule will start soon after the summer ends.
On Sept. 13, Sutherland will travel to Salt Lake City to take part in the 1999 “Da Shit!” contest.
“I don’t really agree with the title of the contest, but since I’m ‘Da Man’, I’ll try my best to honor the tradition,” Sutherland said.
Sutherland admitted that he is looking foreword to the ‘Da Shit’ contest, but his chances are looking slim. Returning this year will be Mike O’Leary, who stunned the judges last year by telling them he once saw a dirty magazine.
“I don’t know how I’m gonna do at ‘Da Stuff,’ cause Josh never won it,” admitted Sutherland.
“And I hear that Mike (O’Leary) from Peaks Ranch is one tough ‘Man’. He supposedly has some secret weapon.”
If Sutherland does find a way to beat O’Leary, he will then travel to Little Rock, Ark. for the National Championships, held on Oct. 25 in the Elks Lodge #4356.
“I sure hope that I can win. Shucks, I haven’t been this excited since I baptized my first dead person,” Sutherland said.