WASHINGTON, D.C. – Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced last week the government’s plan to bailout the struggling Lehman brothers, Jim and Hank, of Baltimore, MD. The Lehman brothers have found themselves in economic trouble after two years of extravagant living, causing the government to sit up and take action before the Lehman brother’s assets are liquidated.
The plan will cost tax payers an estimated $20 million dollars and will see the establishment of a watch dog committee to oversee the Lehman brother’s finances for at least three years.
“All I can say is thank god,” said Hank Lehman. “I mean, havin’ some dickwad in our house watching everything we buy is gonna suck a bag of cocks but, whatever, at least we get to keep our shit. I mean, you see the government bailing out companies doing the same kinda shit that we done and it’s nice to see (the government) helping out a couple of ass-kickers like me and my bro. I’m tellin’ you. Shit got crazy there for a while but it’s cool now since the government is gonna write us a big, fat check. Now we don’t have to worry about payin’ off all the shit we bought and we can concentrate on scoring chicks.”
Over the last two years it is estimated that the Lehman brothers spent over $600,000 on loans to friends and family, vacations, material goods, cars, prostitutes and drugs despite having a combined income of just over $26,000.
“Hank, yeah, he works at Stolley’s Gas station a couple days a week and I work at Wal-Mart,” said Jim Lehman. “We bought all this shit on credit cards and didn’t really worry about payin’ off the bill. We figured ‘fuck it’ the worst they gonna do is come repo the shit like they did to my cousins Escalade a couple years back. What’s cool is credit card companies will keep sending you credit cards, even if you already have like 20 maxed out. Did you know that shit? Hells yeah. So we got a little crazy but we had mother fuckin’ fun. Hells yeah!”
The Lehman brothers will not have to face repossession of anything purchased from 2005 to 2008 according to the proposed bailout which Congress will vote on next week.
“We, as a government of the people, must take care of our people and it starts with the Lehman brothers,” said Bernanke. “If we let these pure, honest Americans lose everything then we have failed at the core beliefs of what makes this country great – lack of accountability. Come hell or high water, we will help out these fine, upstanding Americans, much like we will help out the entire economy.”
While the Lehman Brothers are thankful of the government intervention, they are not looking forward to changing their spending habits and having to report to the watchdog committee.
“Yeah, sure, those watchdog assholes will kinda suck and not spending our cash like we want will suck so we’ll have to make some adjustments I guess,” said Jim Lehman. “I mean, I won’t be able to blown a ton of scratch on hookers and coke anymore. Seriously, I spent all my money on that. You know, like two chicks at a time. Then I would totally do a line off of one of the whore’s tits while I banged the other one from behind. Man, that ruled. But now, now that dream is over.”
While many financial institutions are looking at the bail out as a sign of hope for a weak economy, the general populace of the country is upset with the news.
“If (the government) lets those two idiots spend money they don’t have, then I should be able to too,” said local businessman Lewis Perry. “I want hookers and drugs and giant SUVs without having to pay for them. Hell, I can barely make my house payment and you don’t see the government stepping in to help me out there. If I come across those Lehman brothers, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop myself from whipping their asses.”
Despite the criticism by Perry and many others, Bernanke still plans to go ahead with the plan.
“We really need to do this,” Bernanke said. “If we don’t, it shows all the other countries out that that we are weak. We can’t look weak in front of Russia again. Not after what happened last time. Those guys were total assholes.”