DENVER, CO – With the economy struggling and massive layoffs a daily occurrence, employment experts have released a list of the top 10 paying jobs for the upcoming year. Toping that list is Employment Expert.
“If you want a good job during a recession, you should read a couple books and declare yourself an Employment Expert,” said Employment Expert, Ariel Tucker. “During rough times, people look for someone else to solve their problems for them so the need for Employment Experts will be strong for a couple years. The job is just basically telling someone what they should do with their lives. That’s easy, because you don’t have to be right. You just need to know of two or three jobs out there, then tell everyone who pays you an exorbitant amount of money one of those three jobs. Right now I’m using Janitor, Puppeteer and Corporate Assassin. You really can’t go wrong. “
According to Rachelle Svatos, Employment Expert with Wayne, Grayson and Drake, the industry with the most room for growth is Talk Show Participant.
“Right now, all over America, there are literally thousands of talk shows. From local talk shows to the higher profile, national shows like ‘Tyra’ and ‘Oprah,’” said Svatos. “Almost all of these shows pay people to appear and all of them are looking for sad stories. So people that have really depressing stories about how they are barely able to get by, those people will do really well. It helps if you have that little, extra something though. You know, like an extra leg or nipple or something. Talk shows love freaks.”
The complete list of the top 10 jobs for 2009:
1. Employment Expert: Employment Experts consult with customers to find them jobs and give them tips on how to interview and complete resumes. No schooling or industry knowledge necessary.
2. Food Taster for C.E.O.s: The unemployed are always looking to blame someone for why they are no longer employed. That blame will typically fall on a C.E.O.? Gone are the days of office shooting sprees, now is the time for more subtle killing, like the poisoning someone’s food. No education or a discriminating pallet necessary. Strong resistance to poison helpful.
3. Talk Show Participant: Talk shows will pay large amounts of money for pathetic stories, even if those stories aren’t true. No education or “real” struggles necessary.
4. Ventriloquist: Everyone loves to laugh, especially when the “person” they are laughing at is small, slightly deformed and talks funny. No formal ventriloquism experience or sense of humor necessary.
5. Bikini Inspector: A lot of women wear bikinis. Someone needs to inspect those bikinis to ensure they are structurally sound. At least five to 10 years of experience required by most employers.
6. Major League Baseball Player: With salaries rising, everyone wants a piece of the pie. No real athletic talent necessary.
7. Muff Diver: Specialty jobs will never go out of style. As long as people need muff for various products, there will be brave souls that will risk their lives to dive for it. A strong knowledge of muff and good muff hunting locations required.
8. Panhandler/Town drunk: Even in tough financial times, people feel sorry for those who are worse off than themselves. Low tolerance for alcohol required.
9. Reality Television Show contestant: For some reason, Reality TV is still popular, and now that every other show on TV is a reality show, there is more opportunity than ever. Nothing required except low self-esteem and a low sense of self respect.
10. Corporate Assassin: With all the money “disappearing” around offices, secrets are going to need to be kept. Corporate Assassins help keep those secrets. Perfect aim and the inability to tell right from wrong necessary.