WASHINGTON, D.C. – Promising change, Barack Obama won the presidency last year, and taking office this month, Obama has already issued several major changes to the United States which have many Caucasian-Americans concerned.
Obama’s first declaration was a change to the “as American as…” saying from “as American as Apple Pie and baseball” to “as American as Fried Chicken and basketball.”
“Man, this is what I’m talkin’ about,” said Jimmy Lee Walters. “I knew this guy (Obama) would come in and change everything we good, white, Americans have built over the last 500 years. Look at who he’s hired. He has that bitch Hillary as Secretary of International#133; something. You’ve got some other chicks, a lesbian, a couple Mexicans and even a Jap! That ain’t right man. That ain’t right. Next thing you know, Obama will change the name of our country to United States of Damn Minorities Ruining Everything!”
Many Americans have expressed concerns shortly after Obama’s acceptance speech last November when he revealed that he is, in fact, a black man.
“When (Obama) was running and all that, I never really paid attention to him. He was a Democrat, and therefore a liar and a thief. I don’t listen to liars or thieves” said Republican Wayne Standers. “All through the election, whenever I saw him on TV, I thought he just had a really good tan. Now that I know he is in fact a black dude, well, that changes everything. Now I know he’s a liar and definitely a thief. He’s gonna change everything from white to black. I’m bet in a couple weeks I’ll walk down the street and won’t even recognize the country because it will be all… black.”
Other reports coming out of the Obama camp is that the President-Elect has contracted Kanye West, a fellow resident of Chicago, to remix the Star Spangled banner.
“We feel that this country has been stagnant for far too long,” said Obama advisor Ray Chellios. “(Obama) promised change. That’s what he’s going to deliver. For far too long this country has been stagnant. Same song, same flag, same old white Government. Well, that all changed in November. Mr. West has graciously agreed to come in and give our national anthem a much needed shot in the arm, if you will. I hear he’s even got Lupe Fiasco doing a verse. It’s going to be, as the kids say, off the chain.”
Republicans across the country are also concerned with Obama’s choice to include Hispanics in his administration, thereby guaranteeing the opening the border between the U.S. and Mexico.
“God damn it,” said Republican Senator, Orin Hatch. “Seriously. God. Damn. It. We all know that the only thing all Hispanics want is to open the border. And by bringing in these Mexicans, into the Federal Government, you can all kiss that border fence, the one a lot of really rich people were going to make a lot of money building#133; well, you can kiss that fence goodbye. That fence will be gone and all those rich people will have to get oil contracts or something. Damn shame.”
Obama has also hinted that he will be making an Executive Order that will make all jokes made at his expense, satirical or otherwise, labeled as racist.