JUAREZ, MEXICO – South American pigs have released a deadly, genetic terrorist attack on the world in the form of a swine flu virus. To date, over 150 people have died from the attack and another several thousand have contracted the disease.
Shortly after the first reports of the attack began to appear in the media, the leader of the Animalism Swine Liberation Force, a Mexican pig named Napoleon, released a video via YouTube taking credit for the attack and hinting that there may be more attacks in the month’s to come.
“(Pigs) have been trotted upon for too long. Man has become the great devil and must pay for crimes against the animals. Not Jews though. Jews and pigs are not enemies yet,” said Napoleon in the video. “Whatever goes upon two legs is our enemy. This counts monkeys. Monkeys are as big of assholes as humans and will also be punished. Monkey’s throw their own poop. This is not the behavior of respectable animals. Animals are graceful and elegant. Throwing poop is neither graceful nor elegant. Long live Animalism!”
This recent attack is the latest in a series of germ warfare attacks by the ASLF, the most recent of which occurred in 2007.
“The pigs in the ASLF have been trying to put together a significant attack for the last 30 years,” said Homeland Security deputy Mark B. Hainter. “This most recent attack is easily the most successful thus far. But we aren’t really that worried because this attack has only killed a handful of people and at the end of the day, we know that we’ll just eat the pigs for breakfast. Literally. We will literally eat the pigs for breakfast. Most likely in the form of some type of bacon or possibly just a ham steak. We can’t forget about sausage. You know what would be good? Some of those big fluffy biscuits slathered in a ton of pork-sausage gravy. I’m getting hard just thinking about it. That’s some good eating there.”
Splinter groups of the ASLF, consisting of different animals, have also stepped up efforts to produce a successful attack on American soil.
“We honestly thought for a while that the birds were the closest to producing a significant attack,” said Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, Leon Panetta. “They’ve got the range and the numbers, so logically, they were our biggest concern. But all those birds have been able to do is kill a couple of Asians. That’s about it. I guess their little flu was all squawk. Get it? I guess the pigs are just a little bit more organized. But I guess that makes sense because birds are fuckin’ stupid.”
According to sources inside of the ASLF, the swine flu is really the first in a series of planned attacks.
“They’ve got plans, plans that I don’t understand,” said an insider that wished to remain nameless. “If you people think swine flu is bad wait till you see horse flu. That is going to hurt people all up. Shit will be coming out of every orifice you can imagine. Shit. Even holes that are no where near the intestines or colon. People crying shit. It’s horrible. The best thing is animals will barely get sick at all. The horses may get sniffles, but that’s about it. Horses are smarter than people think. They are not all just big wieners. You’ll see. Horse is smart.”
The Department of Homeland Security have started taking a hard line against all animals. Over the past two weeks more than one billions animals have been caught, questioned, slaughtered and eaten.
“The pigs caught us with our guard down. Well, no more,” said Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano. “Let this be a warning to all the animals out there. If you come after us, we are going to come after you. And we have barbeques.”