TORONTO, CANADA – The Canadian based Research in Motion is set to unveil its next generation Blackberry cell phone next month and the cell phone industry is already abuzz with the limited information that’s been made available.
“Every single cell phone manufacturer has its eye on Blackberry right now,” said Motorola executive Kay McGinnis. “Everything we’ve heard is so far out of left field that most of the industry is freaking out. I expect that this new Blackberry won’t just revolutionize phones, it will make all of us want to kill ourselves.”
Although very little detail has been released about the new Blackberry, rumors have been swirling for months.
“A lot of people have been speculating on what we’re doing, and I’m not going to confirm or deny anything,” said Blackberry creator Jim Balsilli. “Now, who wants to talk about how the NHL is screwing me out of owning a team?”
According to these rumors the primary feature of the new phone will be that it is stationary.
“Wow. I mean… wow,” said Wired Magazine tech editor Clayton Cashes. “How do they come up with something like that? A cell phone that doesn’t leave its location? That’s fuckin’ genius! We’ve always wanted to cut the cord that ties us all to our phones and now Blackberry has done it for us. This alone makes the phone worth it.”
Other rumored features of the new phone include a rotary style dial, a two-piece construction and an optional wall mount.
“We are always looking at something that will make the world sit back and say wow,” Balsilli said. “We’ve done it with every version of the Blackberry, and we’ll continue to do it. I’m not going to ruin anything, but what we’ve got planned, some of which has already been leaked, but some things will absolutely blow your mind. No one has ever done something like this before. I mean moving a hockey team to Southern Ontario? That’s crazy? Why would anyone do that when there are already two teams in the market? Because it’s smart!”
The new phones will be unveiled late June at a special event sponsored by Research in Motion.
“The unveiling will be huge, much bigger than anything that you would expect,” said Research in Motion COO Jeff Marson. “We’re going to have dancing girls, food, booze, coke, free phones. It’ll be like a Hollywood party without the pretentious assholes and plastic surgery. Oh course we’ll be inviting a lot of celebrities, because everyone knows that the general public will only buy something that a celebutard endorses. This party is going to be off the hook! That is what the kids are saying these days, right?”
Despite the secrecy surrounding the phones, Balsilli is expecting the new version of the Blackberry to sell just as well as the other phones in the line.
“This is going to be huge,” Balsilli said. “If the NHL ever gets off its ass and lets me own a team, I’m going to own the hell out of that team. I mean, I got plans. Step one; move the team to Southern Ontario. Step two; piss on all the fans of the team in the city that I just stole the team from. Step three; sell Blackberries at the arena. Hey, you know, The Blackberries would be a mighty fine team name.”