LOS ANGELES, CA – Oh! My! God! It has been soooooo long since I’ve written a column! Hello, my lovelies, it is I, your ever corpulent but ever vigilant reporter of all things that are good, Beth Sinclair! I know, can you believe it? I can’t!
Wow, what a crazy year it’s been! You may be wondering what I’ve been up to since I last graced your eyeballs with my written words of oozing pleasure. Well, let me tell you that life has been wondertastic! Yes, that’s a new word that I created just for you, my dear readers, to tell how unbelievable my life has been lately. First, I knocked off two more entries from my list: “People I need to ‘Do’ before I die.” First up was Frankie Muniz, and let me tell you “Malcom” was in the middle of something that night! He was in the back, too, if you know what I mean! LOL! The second one came just a few short weeks ago when I got my hands, and a few other things, on that bootylicious Edward “Teddy” Kennedy. I’ll tell you, I’ve never had to work so hard to get laid in my life! All that digging and prying, it was almost enough to make me let that hunk of succulent man meat rest in peace! But I was persistent and now number 13 is officially off my list. Yay!
What else has happened? Only the fact that I got married! And Divorced! As you all undoubtedly remember, my long time boyfriend Carrot Top and I finally decided to get hitched last summer. Well, for a glorious three months I was known to the world as Beth Top and let me tell you, the things that man could pull out of my “prop box” were amazing! But alas, the happiness was short lived. He came home one day to find me in bed with the current, and former, hosts of the greatest daytime game show in the history of the world, “The Price Is Right!” I can tell you, if you’ve never seen a roided out ginger cry, it’s not a pretty sight. Really though, I felt bad, so I let him join us. We still got divorced but it was still a magical night that will keep me wet for years to come!
I’ve got so much more to tell all of you, but I’m afraid if I do the editors of this fancy newspaper would lock me up in a shed hidden behind the house. Then how would I deliver my words of wisdom to you, my loving fans? Anyways I think it’s high time that I get onto the real topic of this here list: Halloween! I love Halloween almost as much as I love the Jonas Brothers! Well, the two of them at least. Joe Jonas can go fuck himself! In my book there’s nothing better than getting all dressed up in the perfect costume then heading out on the town looking for someone to finger bang you in the back of an ‘87 Trans-Am. It’ll be like my wedding night all over again! Right about now you’re probably saying “Beth, I love Halloween and getting fingerbanged too, but I don’t know what costume to choose this year. Won’t you help me?” To that I say, yes. YES I WILL!
The first thing you need to remember is that your ideas are not original, that’s my job. Remember last year when you thought how original it would be to dress up as that douche nozzle Sarah Palin (though I would have totally “hockey mom’d” all over her face if you know what I mean!)? Then by the time you got out to the parties you saw that there were 700 Sarah Palin’s running around? That was not fun for anyone. So stick with me kiddies and let me guide you in the ways of awesomely awesome costumes.
First up, everyone and their mother are going to be dressed up as Jon and Kate Gosselin. That is so last month! No, you should resist the urge to dress up as that gigantic vagina. And you shouldn’t dress up as Kate either! She is a total whore (believe me, I know!). Everyone will be concentrating on the parents when you should be looking towards the kids themselves. The “+8” if you will. Why not dress up as Aaden Gosselin? He’s smart and sassy and all the ladies love him. I know I do. Count me as one of the thousands of fans out there that’s just waiting for him to turn 18! It’s a super easy costume to make. Just get yourself a cute little shirt, some slitty eyes and a future full of emotional problems and you’re set!
If that idea doesn’t get your knickers in a twist, how about going as a poor person who’s dying from H1N1 because they can’t get healthcare? What? Too political? Buck up little campers, Counselor Beth is here to guide you. Halloween is all about shocking people and what better way to shock someone by going as something that doesn’t exist? I mean everyone knows that there aren’t any poor people left in the world, only people hired by the government to pretend they’re poor to make others feel good about themselves. And H1N1 is make believe too! For this gem of a costume just wear what ever you would normally wear and walk around coughing a lot.
Another idea that I had was a scary ghost. Who doesn’t like being scared? I know I do. Nothing gets my nether juices flowing like a good scream. The best part about this totally original costume is that it is super easy to make. First you need to get your hands on a simple white sheet. Then all you have to do is cut a couple of holes in it. One in the front and one in the back, you know, for easy access. Don’t worry about eye holes, just use a sheet that you can see through.
Finally, the last costume suggestion that I have for you is arguably the best costume design that I have ever come up with. My number one choice for this year? Me! Yup, you read that right. What better way to celebrate the Halloween season than to dress up like me? Get yourself a sassy little dress, some killer shoes and accessories then do your hair up right and you’ve got it going on. Then all you have to do is make sure not to wear any panties and do anything that moves, just like me! Seriously, how amazingly amazing would it be if every party across the country had a little me running around at it?
Well my loving fan base, my time is coming to an end, as I need to start getting ready for my own Halloween party. This year I’m going as Kate Gosselin. I figured it would be a safe bet, because I really wanted to be someone who’s a bigger (attention) whore than me! Ciao for now, kiddies.