FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ. – A new study just released from Northern Arizona University reveals that repeatedly hitting oneself on the head with a heavy, solid object may in fact be harmful to ones health.
“Just about everyone in the medical community is very excited,” chief scientist Jerome Leibowitz said. “This is certainly a trauma breakthrough here. This could very well be the answer to many of the head trauma problems that are common today.”
The study suggests that large, blunt objects, either made of wood or some type of metal, can cause severe neurological disorders when routinely struck upon the skull. This is the case whether it is done to oneself or by another party.
“When the skull is struck, we believe that the brain will actually smash into the side of the skull. This action seems to cause certain conditions, or ‘concussions’ if you will. If done enough times, we regret to say that it could be fatal,” Leibowitz said.
The test was funded by a grant from the state of Arizona and was conducted by 15 biologists and scientists from NAU. The subjects were student volunteers. One experiment in particular consisted of hitting a student 72 times in the head with a bat, 24 times with a hammer and 16 times with a damp cloth. Damage was only noticeable after the strikes from the bat and the hammer.
“The damp cloth didn’t do as much damage as it should have, or so we thought,” Leibowitz said.
These tests originally used baby seals as part of the experiment, but this practice was ended after protests from animal rights activists. Later, students were recruited to fill the empty slots.
Though the team of scientists are not certain how often the skull must be hit to cause damage, they are quick to point out the number may be as low as one, but could be as high as one hundred.
“Really it is all just a guessing game. We need more time to study the effects of each individual strike now that we know damage is done,” Leibowitz said.
Steps to implement protection from the damage caused by the hitting is already underway.
“Right now we are in the process of lobbying Congress. We want Surgeon General warnings on products such as baseball bats, crow bars, steel pipes, golf clubs and even rulers.
“We realize that this may cause some inconvenience, but we all must remember. A good stiff piece of paper works just as good as any ruler on the market,” Leibowitz said. Since the release of the study on Monday, complaints and contradictions have poured into the research lab.
“I don’t believe it,” a angry businessman wrote. “Those damn scientists think that if they pull hard enough that damn thing will give. Well, I ‘ve been hitting myself on the head every night before bed time since I was 11 years old. And I’ve never felt better. What the hell you lookin’ at?”