NEW YORK, NY – Retailers across the country are beginning to use extreme measures in order to get people shopping at their stores over the holiday season. Thanks in part to the lagging economy, stores have been reporting falling sales and low customer turnout for in store specials.

“Things have been tough all over, and there’s really no way around it,” said president of the Retail Commission, David Matthis. “What we’re seeing now is stores trying to one up each other in order to lure the elusive shopper into the store. It all started with Wal-Mart last year offering everyone who walked in a Larry the Cable Guy CD. Boy did that work. For one, no one would be smart enough to actually buy a piece of shit CD like that so they could get them real cheap; and two, since his fan base largely shops at Wal-Mart, the sales of sleeveless shirts went through the roof. It was win win for them.”

After the unorthodox campaign by Wal-Mart, rival department store Target decided to try its own promotion. On November 27, anyone who entered a Target store received a free set of Encyclopedia Britannica.

“I didn’t even know they still made those but it sure was nice to get a set,” said consumer Paul Chambers. “I have no idea what I’ll do with these books but I can tell you know, if Target keeps giving me free shit, I’ll go there every day. Fuck Wal-Mart!”

Since the practice began, more and more stores are pulling ever increasing stunts to woo consumers. Best Buy has started offering free pairs of prescription glasses while Ultimate Electronics is giving away free enemas if you spend over $100.

“Some of these things might not seem like big deals, but you wouldn’t believe how popular they are becoming,” Matthis said. “On the day the Ultimate (Electronics) did their free enema deal, do you know how many enemas they gave away? 15,000. That’s a shit load of enemas, if you’ll pardon the expression.

The incentives have not been limited to free giveaways. Discount retailer K-Mart has installed bins at the entrance of each store containing cute, fuzzy bunnies. Once inside customers are told that if they do not spend more than $50 a bunny will killed.

Not to be outdone, Kohls has hired homeless people to assault people who do not shop at a Kohls store.

“Kohls and K-Mart are taking it to another level,” said Matthis. “Killing bunnies and having homeless people assault people is groundbreaking stuff. I’ll be excited to see how this all shakes out. Of course, the real big question mark is how Toys ‘R’ Us will do this year with what they are pulling.”

Toys “R” Us has promised to sacrifice every child in the nation that does not get a gift from one of the many Toys “R” Us locations or affiliates.

“We aren’t fucking around anymore. Either buy shit from our stores or we will start killing kids,” said Toys “R” Us Media Contact Karen Cape. “We don’t want to do that but we will. We have a lot of agents running around this country and they won’t hesitate to kill children. But those lucky kids that do get a toy from one of our great locations will surely have a great, fun and peaceful holiday season.”