Recent iPhone Purchase Fails to Change Local Man’s Life

Geoffrey Glocke recently purchased an iPhone but has yet to notice an impact on his life.
Geoffrey Glocke recently purchased an iPhone but has yet to notice an impact on his life.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Despite expectations to the contrary, the recent purchase of an Apple iPhone has left Geoffrey Glocke’s life relatively unchanged.

To add to Glocke’s confusion, prior to the purchase Glocke had never owned a cell phone.

“I thought that once I got a phone that my whole world would change but it hasn’t,” said Glocke. “All (the iPhone) does is just sit there. It will just sit there and I’ll stare at it expecting it to do something but it doesn’t. As far as I’m concerned, the only thing that it does is allow me to look at Wikipedia every time I don’t know something. I’m still trying to figure out why all my friends feel like they can’t live without a cell phone.”

Over the past several years Glocke had been an outspoken opponent to the cell-phone industry and had vowed never to own one. That all changed after a friend showed him that the internet can be accessed anywhere that has cell phone service.

“All of my friends have cell phones and up until a month ago I was pretty against the whole cell phone thing,” said Glocke. “It wasn’t until I had a couple friends show me what the iPhone can do that I really got interested in the thing. Did you know that you can access the internet now from anywhere using the iPhone? It’s really cool. I mean anywhere. I could give a shit about the phone part of the iPhone but I do like the internet part. If I want to look at pictures of Olivia Munn while I’m sitting in some boring meeting I can. But again, other than having the internet available when I’m pooping… life is about the same.”

Glocke’s friends had become increasingly more annoyed at Glocke’s continued cell-phone related rants and inability to get a hold of Glocke.

“Jesus, it’s about time. The dude’s been slagging cell-phones since I’ve known him,” said Rachel Bowmester. “It gets real old listening to him talk about how people didn’t have cell-phones 20 years ago and everything was just fine. And it was real damn annoying trying to meet him somewhere. He’d get lost and show up 25 minutes late but no one would know what the hell was going on because no one could get a hold of the asshole.”

Anticipating a surge in his phone usage Glocke purchased an unlimited phone and text plan but has yet to receive a phone call.

“I’m still not entirely sure how to use the cell-phone part of my iPhone,” said Glocke. “And no one has called me. Or texted me. I kinda thought that the second I got a phone everyone would want to get a hold of me but that really hasn’t happened. I guess no one really likes me. Or it could be that no one knows that I have a cell phone because I haven’t given anyone my number. In fact, I don’t even know what my number is.”

Glocke’s friends and family are amazed when they find out the he now has a cell phone although few admit to having any desire whatsoever to talk to him.

“Really? (Glocke) got a cell phone? Hmm… he didn’t tell me,” said Carl Carrin. “Oh well, I’m still not going to call him. Truth is – he’s kind of a boring guy. So whatever. Good for him but yeah, this doesn’t really affect me much. But I guess we can officially welcome Geoff to 2002.”


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