COLUMBIA, SC – Manufacturers of a new foot-care product are hoping to revolutionize the Podiatric Medicine industry with the launch of the PediFile. Maker of the PediFile, Schild-Molstation Enterprises, is planning on unveiling the product this month at Podi-Con, the nation’s largest Podiatric convention.
“It’s rare that a product comes along and really gives the market a surprise stick in the rear,” said Wayne Schild, co-founder of Schild-Molstation Enterprises. “That’s what the PediFile does. It grabs you, throws you into the back of a windowless van, then it sodomizes your feet with a gentleness and care that you wouldn’t expect from a foot care product. Of course, this is all metaphorically, because, you know, our product can’t really do that to you. But really, after you use our product, you will be changed for the rest of your life. It’s something that will stick with you till the day you die. Yeah, it’s that magical.”
According to Schild, the PediFile will combine a moisturizing component with a gentle abrasive surface to remove dead and unhealthy skin.
“The PediFile meets an immediate market need,” said Schild. “Right now you have lotions and you have files. But you don’t have a file, made especially for the foot, that also lotions. I don’t mean to set expectations to high but this PediFile will be to the foot-care industry, what the internet was to meeting young boys. What?”
As the average American’s waistline has increased, so has the need for better foot care products.
“When you think about it, the more weight a person has, the tougher things are on the feet,” said Ron Venture, head of the National Association of Podiatrists. “You see all these people walking around with an enormous amount of weight on their feet, then they wonder why their feet are cracked and dry. The need is immeasurable for a good, quality foot care product. Now I haven’t gotten my hands on a PediFile, but I can assure you that when I do, I will beat the shit out of it. You know – really try to break it. Now that I’ve seen what it can do I’m going lock it in my basement and use it over and over again until the thing barely resembles what it’s supposed to be.”
Never in the history of Podi-Con has a product been so eagerly anticipated.
“We’re going into this thing as brutally as we can, and we don’t care whose feelings we hurt,” Schild said. “Right now the market for this product is young and nubile. By the time we’re through with it, it’s going to be blown wide open. The best thing is, we don’t even need to apologize or try to sooth things over with promises of candy or other types of kickbacks. Our product is that good.”
Even with the positive buzz surrounding the unveiling of the PediFile, many industry insiders think the product might not be able to meet the high expectations.
“We see things like this come along all the time, and for the most part, things just seem to fizzle out,” said Chris Ward, CEO of Dr. Scholl’s. “At first the thought of doing something like this is what gets people off. But the fantasy is usually a lot better, and less messy than the real thing. When you really get into it, like wrist deep, you hit a barrier and it’s harder to go any farther. Then things start to go wrong, sometimes crying is involved, and you end up losing your steam. The whole thing becomes more of a mess than you thought it would be, and the longer you go, the harder it is to cover up. So you just end up burying your mistake in the crawlspace next to all your other mistakes.”
Despite the critics, Schilds thinks that he will be the talk of the convention.
“Everyone always wants a piece of the new kid on the block and that’s ok, I can take it on the chin and come back smiling,” Schilds said. “I’ve been preparing for this moment all my life, so really, there is nothing that can take this away from me. The only thing that I can imagine would be a greater thrill would be if I were a sailor on shore leave in Taiwan.”