Local Man Just Doesn’t Get It

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EL CAJON, CA – The friends and family of Gary Kostisyn are almost unanimous in the feeling that Gary doesn’t get it. In a strongly worded letter from those that know him best, Kostisyn was warned to “get his shit together and figure it out.”

“Seriously, it’s about time that (Gary) gets off his ass and figures it out,” said Kostisyn’s sister, Sandra Healy. “Everyone else in the family has figured it out but for some reason Gary hasn’t. I don’t know if he’s just in denial or if he really has no idea what ‘it’ is, but he really needs to figure it out. It’s high time that he does, because we’re sick of babying him.”

While “it” has remained relatively undefined, those closest to Kostisyn maintain that what “it” is doesn’t matter.

“Everyone keeps telling me (to figure it out) but fuck them man, they’re not giving me any help,” said Kostisyn. “Nobody is willing to help me figure this out, so fuck all of them. Maybe I won’t ever figure it out just to on purpose. But I can’t do that. I think I really do need to figure it out. I just wish everyone would stop being giant assholes and at least give me a clue about what ‘it’ is.”

Since receiving the letter Kostisyn has been bombarding his siblings with questions as he tries to figure out what to do about “it.”

“What he needs to do is stop trying to figure out what ‘it’ is, and just figure it out,” said Healy. “He’s 34. He needs to figure this shit out. Do you think that women find that attractive? No, we don’t. But if he doesn’t figure it out soon, he’s never going to get laid again. Not like he’s getting laid now. Drawing a face on you hand doesn’t count as ‘getting some.’”

Wendy Vincent, Kostisyn’s ex-girlfriend, has been working with Kostisyn on a training plan that she hopes will help Kostisyn get it. While success has been limited thus far, Vincent is hoping that she will be able to make a breakthrough soon.

“I’ve made (Gary) the promise that if he can figure it out, I’ll get back together with him,” said Vincent. “Not only that, but I’ve also hinted that if he does figure it out, and we do get back together, I’ll let him do me in the butt. I know, it’s a little weird, but he’s a really great guy, and the only reason we broke up in the first place was his lack of getting it. I think a little ass play is a small price to pay to help him out. I’ve already bought a tube of lube for the day he does figure it out. It’s the good lube too – the kind that is really slippery. I think that’ll be best for me, because I’ve never really had anything up there. Hopefully it doesn’t hurt too much. But I can stand a little pain in the ass, pun intended, if Gary can truly figure it out.”

Kostisyn’s parents have admitted that they seem to be struggling most with Kostisyn’s inability to get it. According to his father, Kostisyn’s mother Sharron has been prone to crying fits most evenings.

“Sharron, she’s just so disappointed,” said Kostisyn’s father Bruce. “She had such high hopes for Gary, and he’s just crushing her spirit. All of our other children have it figured out but Gary. He seems to be pissing in the face of everything his mother and I have tried to do. If that’s what he wanted to do, then he’s done a good job of it. Sharron would never let me piss on her, so it upsets me to no end that Gary can do it. I know it’s only figurative pissing on Gary’s part… but still…”

Friends and family aren’t sure what they will do if Kostisyn is unable to get it but few are willing to wait much longer.

“Gary is an OK guy and a lot of us are going to stay positive with him, hoping that he can figure it out, but there are a lot more of us ready to bail on the d-bag,” said Kostisyn’s former roommate Tyler Lapisto. “I figure I’ll give him another week or so but after that… fuck ‘em.”

Kostisyn himself says he is trying hard to get it and says he’s instituted a Facebook group that will allow people to tell him what he needs to do to get it. Unfortunately, Kostisyn’s Facebook plan has already started to backfire and several of his friends point to its existence as further proof that Kostisyn doesn’t get it and isn’t even trying very hard to get it.

“Facebook? Really? See! That’s the shit I’m talking about,” said Lapisto. “That right there should tell you all you need to now about how fuckin’ clueless Gary is. Jesus. A Facebook group? Really? Damn man… that’s just sad.”

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