BETHESDA, MD – At a rally just outside of Bethesda, Jesus Christ announced to a gathered crowd of more than 35,000 that he wants the recently passed Health Care Reform legislation repealed.
“This so-called ‘health reform’ is illegal and un-American,” said Christ. “Obama and his team of communists have forced health care down our throats. This isn’t what I teach! Giving poor people and lazy people access to health care for free isn’t what I teach! I teach that everyone has to do their part and if they don’t, if they are too lazy then they have to fend for themselves! If someone doesn’t work and do their part… they can go to hell because the rest of us are working our asses off and giving the god damned government way too much of our paycheck already! I don’t want to pay for some crackhead degenerate who chooses not to work or some disabled person who can’t find a job because he ‘lost his hands in 9/11.’ This is America! Not Obamica! Repeal health reform now!”
Christ, an outspoken critic of health care reform, has vowed to do what ever it takes to get the health care bill pulled.
“I don’t care what I have to do; I won’t stop until health care is back where it belongs – in the free market,” said Christ. “I stand with my Republican brethren and demand health care go back to how it was. I, and all my followers were perfectly happy with health care before the god damned Democrats came along and made it worse. If one of my flock didn’t have health care I just went by their house, waved my hand and they were cured. But only if they did their part! And only if they believed in me!”
Speaking to the large crowd, Christ laid out his objections to the reform package and encouraged all that were present to “take up arms and get what need done done.”
“The Dumbocrats have ruined this country by giving health care to the people who need it – not the people that deserve it,” said Christ. “It’s time to take it back. I want everyone here to let Congress know that they’ve made a mistake. Even if it means you have to get aggressive. Assholeocrats only respond to violence to let’s give it to them! That’s what I teach! I teach that if you don’t like something, blow that shit up!”
Over the last several weeks Christ has appeared on several news broadcasts, primarily on Fox News, to state his objections to health care reform.
“I seen Jesus on that O’Riely show and I think he speaks for all of us,” said Christ follower, Willis Stewart. “What (Christ) says is truth. We need to get those baby-killin’, death-panel forcin’, black-people lovin sonsabitches in Washington to know that Americans don’t want no health care! We need to show ‘em with bullets!”
Supporters of health care reform have begun to question Christ’s objections, accusing him of working under the direction of health insurance companies.
“After looking into Christ’s finances, we’ve noticed that several big insurance companies have paid him a considerable amount of money as a ‘consulting fee.‘” said Democratic Party spokesman Franklin Orr. “(Christ) has always been about passiveness and understanding, and now all of a sudden he’s all about violence? Something just doesn’t sit right. Here I thought that Christ was an honorable man. Now I realize that he’s just a whore for the insurance industry. Yeah, I said it. Jesus is a whore. A whore who has sex for money. Sex in the asshole. For money.”
Despite criticisms, Christ vows he will not give up his fight till the Reform has been repealed.
“I will burn this fuckin’ place down!” Christ said. “You don’t think I can do it? All I gotta do is make one phone call to my dad and BOOM! Fire will rain from the sky. It’ll be like Sodom and Gamora all over again. Then we’ll show all those Dickheadocrats that we’re not messing around. We are very serious about getting rid of health care and making insurance companies President of the United States. Insurance companies, especially Blue Cross Blue Shield of Deleware are the greatest and treat everyone fairly and are looking out for us little guys… that can afford health insurance.”