NEWARK, DE – The American Association of Psychologists has voted overwhelmingly to add several new addictions to the accepted resource for mental illness, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV). Of the seven new addictions, six affect only men.
“There are a lot of really terrible things that can be planted as a seed in our brains and then grow into beautiful flowers that totally ruin our lives by making us do things that may make us feel good for a short time but ultimately have a negative effect on our lives,” said Psychiatrist Walter Boyle. “Like sex. It use to be that sex was something so great that we all wanted to do it all the time but now we realize that sex is a problem and we should all not think about or want sex ever. Ever. If we even think about it for a second than we have an addiction and need to seek immediate help from a licensed professional therapist.”
Among the new additions to the DSM-IV that are affecting only males; addiction to not listening when women talk, addiction to watching sports instead of spending time with a woman that will probably only want to go shopping or something, addiction to Chef Boyardee Beefaroni, addiction to making fun of handicap people, addiction to Megan Fox, and addiction to forgetting shit that is really important.
Many of the new addictions were discovered as a result of the recent surge in sexual addiction that has plagued males over the last several years.
“As we all know and have seen on the news, sexual addiction has increased over the past couple of years – especially in men,” said AAP president Ned Pavelski. “As we began to study men we realized there are a lot of other, very serious addictions that were going unaccounted for in the current definitions of addiction. So that’s fixed now. Now when my wife yells at me because the Bronco game is on and I’m not paying attention to whatever it is that she does I know that I may be letting my addiction to watching sports get to me.”
Of the new addictions added to the DSM-IV, the most widely diagnosed is the addiction to Megan Fox.
“Of course people are addicted to Megan Fox. Just look at her,” said Psychiatrist Theodore Moore. “It doesn’t help that there are those pictures on the internet where she is topless. Have you seen those things? Oh my God. I’m pretty sure that they are the most perfect tits I’ve ever seen. And believe me, I have a sex addiction so I’ve seen a lot of tits. I’ve never done crack but I imagine the pull of Megan Fox’s tits is about as strong as the need for another hit off the crack pipe. If Megan Fox were crack, I would OD in about two seconds, just like every male out there that suffers from this awful, awful addiction.”
The only new addiction that affects both men and women is the addition to hating the band Nikleback.
The new addictions were agreed upon during a recent AAP meeting. The final vote to add the new addictions to the DSM-IV was 142-86. All of those that voted against the new addictions were women.
“This is a joke,” said Psychiatrist Wanda Havlak. “These new addictions are a result of a bunch of men not wanting to own the fact that hey are terrible people. Addiction to not listening to women? That is ridiculous. But since psychiatry is still a male dominated field, (male psychiatrists) were able to pass these new, bogus addictions. But (women) will get even. We’ll pass an addiction that only women suffer from next year that excuses us from giving blow jobs. See how they like that!”
Despite the objections of some physiatrists, males across the country feel validated knowing that issues they’ve struggled with for years are now clinically diagnosed addictions that can treated.
“I feel good knowing that I have an excuse for everything I do now. And instead of being an asshole, now I’m just a poor little addict,” said Jason Price. “When I bang my girlfriends sister it will because I’m a sex addict and can’t help myself. When I spend all night looking up and masturbating to pictures of Megan Fox it will because I am addicted to Megan Fox and a sex addict. And when I get caught sticking my wiener in Chef Boyardee Beefaroni while not listening to my girlfriend go on and on about some boring shit it will be because I’m addicted to sex, Beefaroni and not listening to her talk.”