FORT SMITH, AR – Mother Nature, the deity controlling all natural elements of the Earth, held a press conference last week because the people of Earth “don’t seem to be picking up the hint.” The press conference comes after Natures repeated attempts to get human’s attention.
“Look, all of you. I’ve been trying to let you know that I’m not happy but you haven’t picked up the hint so I had to come up here and tell you straight to your faces. You all need to quit fucking around and meet my demands – or else,” said Nature. “Did none of you notice that there have been like 20 earthquakes in the last month? Did none of you notice all the volcanoes that have been erupting? The tornados? Really? I can tell you one thing, the horses noticed it. So what does that tell us? Yes, horses are smarter than you retards. And there is more where that came from so get off your asses and get me tickets to the World Cup.”
Nature said she is upset with the human race because we have not met a series of her demands including World Cup tickets, Keanu Reeves’ phone number, the TV show “Arrested Development” returned to broadcast, a Wang Chung reunion, and the human race’s continued increase in production of toxic chemicals and general “shitty” behavior.
“When you all started not paying me much attention I honestly thought it was a phase,” Nature said. “I thought that if I gave you a few warnings you would figure it out and knock it off. But then I got distracted for a bit and you little assholes have started to completely ignore me. And to add insult to injury you guys have kinda fucked up the planet. You’re just now figuring out hybrid cars? I told that jerk (Henry) Ford a long time ago that he should do that. Hell, I even told him how to do it. But no, now I have to go and fuck some shit up just so you’ll listen. I mean come on! It’s not that hard to figure out!”
Over the last few years, several high profile Natural Disasters have occurred, decimating entire populations. Nature has taken credit for all of them.
“Every time I ask for something you dicks ignore me so I figured I’d start to throw you guys some natural disasters. You know, because I can. I thought the Tsunami and Hurricane Katrina would be enough to get you to listen to me,” Nature said. “Imagine my surprise when it wasn’t. I’ve really stepped up my game here the last few months and people are really starting to pay attention. All I had to do was totally fuck Chile, Haiti and blow up Iceland. You wanna know what the funny thing is? You all could have stopped this. All it would have taken was for you guys to send me the ‘Highlander’ DVD box set in 2005 and everything would have been cool.”
Nature says that she will keep causing disasters until all her demands are met.
“If people would just stop fucking around, I wouldn’t have to do this,” Nature said. “Do you think I like killing all those people? Well sure, a part of me does, yes, but I don’t want to keep doing it. Causing an earthquake takes a lot out of a girl. It’s like giving birth. Wait that didn’t sound right, so I’ll correct myself before you all run with that quote. My vagina does not cause earthquakes. But you know, if I were to be hooked up on a date with Keanu Reeves, I might just forget about what you little assholes are doing to the planet.”