HOLLYWOOD, CA – Vampire Americans, upset with the way vampires have been portrayed in the media, are calling for a boycott of all vampire movies, books and TV shows released now and in the future as well as anything released in the last five years.
“I see these images and these characters living life very unlike any Vampire I know. The way these mock-vampires act is embarrassing to all of my brethren,” Nathanial Lancos, of Los Angeles, said. “We, the vampire, believe in the pleasures of life and the consumption of the flesh – both literally and sexually. But these… things, they are not real vampires. They are a disgrace. They are also very young. We, the vampire, would never turn someone who was not old enough to hunt and feed on a homeless man. Personally, I don’t think anyone under the age of 20 should be turned a vampire. There should be no situation like from ‘Interview With a Vampire.’ I will never condone turning a child. Unless she’s very beautiful and smells of an age long since faded. But otherwise, no way.”
The success of films and books like Twilight have increased the publics desire for vampire related entertainment. According to Vladimir Renston Petrovich IV, Hollywood’s recent depictions of vampires and the vampire lifestyle are increasingly damaging to his people.
“The thing most upsetting to the vampire in the moving pictures these days is just how weak and pathetic the vampire is shown to be. That is most certainly not the case. We are a very strong and very proud people. I once sent my angered fist through two virgins.” Petrovich said. “We, the vampire, do not pine for women. We do not share our feelings as our feelings are only desire and anger. Also, the vampire can not go outside in the daylight. We, the vampire, had thought that simple little fact was pretty basic. And why would you want to go out during the day? There are no orgies during daylight hours. There are no virgins in nightgowns, standing by poorly secured windows during the daylight hours. I do not even want to validate the existence of that abomination of a television show ‘True Blood.’”
The Vampire Americans are particularly upset with the Twilight films, which portray vampires as overly emotional, pussies who “sparkle” in daylight.
“Sure, some vampires are all touchy feely, but sparkling? What the fuck?” Thane Gastonopolis, newly turned vampire said. “Granted, I’ve only been a vampire for like two years but that is the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. Now I’ve never read the books or seen the movie, but seriously? Sparkling? What does that even mean? Is it supposed to be a metaphor for something? It just doesn’t make any sense. If they’re supposed to be keeping their society a secret, wouldn’t an effeminate guy who sparkles clue a few people into the fact that something isn’t right? Add to that the fact that the ‘vampires’ in ‘Twilight’ are so gay. Don’t take that the wrong way, because I’m totally down with the gay community. But really, there’s no other way to describe them other than gay. I know it’s cliché, but that’s just the way it is.”
The vampire race dates back to the 14th century in Eastern Europe and while Vampires have appeared in books since the early 1700s, only recently has the Vampire community taken exception to the way they are portrayed.
“In the older texts we, the vampire, were something to fear and something to arouse,” Lancos said. “Then the moving pictures came and there too we, the vampire, were shadowy figures who hunted and prayed on the flesh of beautiful women. The recent stuff has been… less accurate. The picture with that Keanu Reeves human was a disaster of a story and generally terrible, but it still made us, the vampire, look very fierce. My favorite depiction of the vampire is From Dusk Till Dawn. That picture… holy shit, that was a work of art and has done more for us, the vampire, than you could possibly imagine. That human Salma Hayek was a vision in that picture. I do not believe in him, but god damn. It has been generations since blood last flowed through my veins but if it did, it would have all been in my crotchal region.”
While not as vocal, some in the American Werewolf community are not pleased by recent werewolf characterizations and are voicing their support for the Vampire’s boycott of Hollywood.
“Yo, first of all, fuck vampires. Those guys are total douche bags,” Malcolm Chase, werewolf and personal trainer said. “But I see the way those douche bags are in the movies and I’m all like ‘damn, that shit ain’t right.’ You know what I’m sayin’? Damn. But now (werewolves) are seein’ the same shit! How fucked is that, yo? Just because some dumb-ass shitbag wears a fake tail and has sex doggy style, that don’t make you a werewolf. We was fine with the whole Twilight thing till they brought us into it. Fuck that. We always been done right by the movies, but now they got all these little posers running around sayin’ they all hard and lycans and shit. Fuck that, yo.”
While not calling it a threat, Vampire leaders have made it clear that if the portrayal of vampires does not change soon, there will be actions taken to “resolve the situation.”
“Do not misunderstand me, I am not saying that vengeance will be taken, but I am also not saying that we will stand by and watch as this travesty continues,” Petrovich said. “I will; however, say that if the cast of the Twilight pictures were to disappear… we, the vampire, may or may not have information about that.”